Time check in

(7/8/16)
I'm 23 years old, what have I achieved in life?

I've probably achieved a thing or two, but this life I'm living right now isn't what I thought it would be. Would my 13 year old self be proud of me with where I am in life right now? I think I recall that when I was 20, I wrote a timeline on what I would expect in the next 10 years. I think by 23, I should have established a business, even just a small one.

Where am I now?

I'm a trapeze instructor, still working on my billion dollar idea, and my bank account is still struggling. I have however, traveled around the Philippines. the geotags on my instagram photos are slowly spreading out.

A friend of mine died though.

His name was Lorenzo Pena. He was my hiking mentor. I recall one of my earliest memories of him back in 6th grade, when he got into a fight with his seatmate by stabbing him with a pen. They both got a scolding from the head teacher. I recall passing by him and told him that everything would be alright. Ever since, we've been friends. He listened to metal, did rock climbing, and was a thespian. I hated him from bringing me to Kibungan cross country. But am flattered that he thought I could do it. He loved life, lived it to the fullest, with no regrets. I'm happy for him.

Am I happy where I am right now?

Yes, No, Maybe? It's complicated. There are times I tell myself that I'm still young, and some times when I tell myself I'm getting old. I don't know. I feel like those who pass are lucky they don't have to deal with this anymore. Not that I don't like it, its just, I dunno. I'm not suicidal though, I just.. don't know where I am right now.

I don't know,

I'm lost.

Future Anxiety with money and life

It's early morning. I'm here with my notebook, trying to come up with start up ideas that can make me rich. I want to be financially stable, to be able to do what I want without having to rely on my parents. Is that too much to ask? I hate it whenever I fight with my parents and it's always about money. They would call me a good-for-nothing freeloader in the house trying to escape my responsibilities. 

Now, this isn't a post about me defending myself (I'm tired of that) but rather, a post about me trying to make myself independent from them. The only way I can see that happening is to move out. But I can't move out without funds. My current job can't suffice enough funds so what I thought of at first was freelancing. I already thought of doing some freelance work while working at the trapeze, but getting a freelance job isn't as easy as I expected it to be.

My end goal is to have a business. But god, I also want to do a lot of things! like hiking, cycling, going around the country.. Jesus, I don't know what to do. Be happy now? or tomorrow? I really don't know. I feel like I just want to win the lottery or join a syndicate. 

Now, I sound like a materialistic basic bitch. Well yes, I do want the finer things in life for myself and my future children. But also, I want to be able to help others. I will not work for money, money will have to work for me. I want to help children go to school, old people in the home for the aged to live with dignity, come up with inventions that could help save the world, etc.

My mind is already set for good.

COUNTDOWN TO THE LAST DAY

I'm down to my last few weeks in college.I just.. don't know what to do with my life. I mean, I've got a plan in my head, but is it the right one? Is it the one that's going to make me happy? I've got my goal on Trapeze already and now with opportunities like being a research assistant popping up, it just make me more unsure of my decisions.

I've always believed that if something makes you happy, there's no reason not to pursue it. So why am I feeling this way?

I'm scared of leaving the security of the University. Which is weird, because I've been working already and I haven't even graduated yet. Maybe I do have a passion for learning? I mean, the time I was on LOA is one of the worst times of my life. But my grades prove otherwise. I'm a slow learner, I admit. But I do love learning new things.

Things are going so fast for me. I want to graduate already, but.. I feel like I'm not ready just yet.. I'm not saying that I want to extend my stay in the University, I just feel that it's going to be hard for me when I do.


Playlist:
Tadhana - Up Dharma Down
Medicine - The 1975
Even in dreams - The Pains of Being Pure at Heart

Tiny requests by professors

For ENVISOC, we were talking about indigenous tribes and about their practice of "kaingin".

Kaingin is the process of burning down trees so that these indigenous people can have land to plant new crops. Throughout my life studying, I've been taught that this is a bad practice because of its environmental impact whenever they burn down trees. However, our professor explained to us that they do this because the soil becomes filled with nutrients after they burn down the trees. Our professor told us that the rice they harvest are to die for, and that they come in all sorts of colors (not just the typical white, brown, black that we see in the market). 

However, most of these indigenous people are losing their lands because they are deceived or threatened to sell their land. In one account, he sold his hectare of land for just 3000 pesos. Our professor told us that there was a time that he had to console this person for 30 mins because that person felt bad that he sold his land; the only thing he had for his family. Now, some of them are contemplating on not continuing their practice of kaingin and just look for another way to earn a living. 

What's sad about this is that if they stop, so will the crops. The seeds they plant are only passed on by hand for every generation. The diverse and to-die-for (according to my prof) rice will soon be gone. Which is why at the end of the lecture, our professor told us that he knows that someday, we're going to be part of the government, big corporations, etc. All he's asking is that when we do sign papers involving ancestral land, we should check who are the people that are going to be affected. These indigenous people not only lose their livelihood, but also their home. He told us that when the time comes, he hopes that we remember this lecture and that we'd make the right choice. 

I love it when teachers make these little request. Maybe its because it makes me feel that they know that I'm going to be big someday. And in a way, it makes me want to comply to that request.

This request also heightened my anxiety towards the future. This made me feel that I will graduate soon and that I have to make the decision soon on whether I should continue with the psych path or the trapeze path. I still don't know. 

Quarter Life Crisis

December 17, 2014

For the past weeks, I've been feeling lost, as if I didn't know what to do in life anymore. I felt scared, of what I was going to do with my life. In turn, it suddenly made me want to travel the city, the country, and the world, just to get out of this place and somehow find myself. I know it sounds tumblr-ish, but it feels like the best remedy to what I'm feeling right now. 

Am I depressed? 
Probably not. Eating spaghetti still makes me happy, so depression is out of the picture. 

Am I being immature about it?
 maybe? it seems like I don't want to face the uncertainty of the future but in reality, I actually love uncertainty. I never thought that I'd get into psychology or get into sports like Dragon Boat or Trapeze. I know first hand that there are things in life that are meant for you that you do not know as of the moment, therefore making uncertainty actually a good thing.

I think the thing I'm having a problem with is commitment.

With graduation coming near, I'm going to have to make choices, choices that will direct me to what I want to fulfill in life. As of now, I'm having difficulties choosing between taking up Master's or continue working at Trapeze. Trapeze makes me happy as of the moment, but I also want to become a researcher in the future. I've thought of taking both at the same time, but with the late schedule of both, it isn't possible. Time is running out and I have to choose one or the other eventually.

With these turn of events I now fully understand that this single lifetime isn't enough. I want to experience the most that life can offer, whether it be extreme sports, or as simple as fishing with nets. I hate how some experiences are limited because of one's socio-economic status. I mean, why can't I learn how to fish like the fisher men? because its what poor people do? fuck that. I want to learn and I'm frustrated that I don't know how to learn it. Its not like I know any fishermen around. Or I also want to learn how to operate those cranes they use in construction sites. Okay, maybe its understandable that this kind of experience isn't open to everyone but still, we shouldn't discriminate because experiences shouldn't be limited do just a certain class. Anyways, the point is that there's a lot of things that I want to experience but I just don't know where to start.

I'm confused, and scared, and I just want to know what to do with my life.

Anxiety attacks

November 8, 2014
00:08

I'm so scared.
I'm scared of the future.

This isn't like me, I'm the 'Fuck it' or 'bahala na' kind of person. But with college ending soon, I've been thinking about my future more often. I'm happy with Trapeze and I plan to continue working there after college. But my family and friends disapprove of this. I don't care about what they have to say, but what I think is bothering me is that I feel like I haven't accomplished anything yet. I feel like I only have like a year or two to enjoy my youth then after that is the big world. The world wherein you're an adult and you have to do all those boring jobs in the office and such. 

I don't know what to do with my life.
I don't even know what I want to be. I just, don't want to limit myself to one thing. I want to be a psychologist, researcher, trapeze artist, entrepreneur, etc. These are the things that I see myself becoming but I don't want to choose just one, because I love all.

Funny how I express myself here and not with my friends. I just can't seem to open up to them. I don't want to burden them with my problems and besides, I'm probably too busy fixing their problems. I'm probably a victim of compassion fatigue. 

My proposed solution? Get away from the city and travel alone. Get lost in unfamiliar places, meet new people, understand new culture, find myself in the process. 

It almost feels like I'm going to die soon.

No, I'm not suicidal. It's just that, I can't clearly see my future. at one angle, I'm a trapeze artist running my own rig, while at the other, I'm a researcher or a psychologist in a clinic.

This uncertainty is killing me.