どうぞ

こんにちわ！
はじめまして
わたしは、ダニセです。
よろしくおねがいします。

I wasn't ready

Today, I got into sleep paralysis during my siesta.
I already knew that it was about to happen,
so I let it happen.
When the girl showed herself,
I wasn't scared.
I thought to myself that I'm ready
ready to give up.
So as I lay there doing nothing

I could see the room.
my right eye was already shut,
and the left was about to
but when it was getting smaller and smaller
I suddenly started fighting it
suddenly, I got scared of what I got myself into
I thought to myself that I don't know the gravity of what I'm doing
So until I'm sure of what I want,
I decided to fight it
it wasn't easy.
the girl was laughing at my effort
I could see her through my right eye
I kept fighting
it became harder and harder
at one point I was able to open both eyes
but I couldn't speak even though I tried with much effort
my right eye shut again
It was getting more difficult
I went all out and decided to focus on the girl and try to destroy her
fortunately or not, I woke up.

What is a person like me still doing in this world?

She was willing to pay for his trip but not mine.

At this point, I really don't know what to do.
It's not that I have to do something,
it's just that I feel like I don't belong
Like, my very existence is wrong
It's either I conform to the system
or leave

Devil, show yourself.
Because this time, I'm ready to go with you.
I've got no one to go back to.
Although I have friends,
I don't want to burden them
I hope they forgive me if ever I make the decision.

I'm at this point where if ever I do get sleep paralysis,
I don't want to wake up.
I won't even fight
It's going to be hard,
but this time, I'm just gonna let it go.
and hope I don't wake up.

If that's the case, I should start writing letters just to show them that when I'm gone,
it wasn't because of one incident.
It was a small thing that compiled through time again and again,
to the point where it was stupid
it would be stupid of me to just let it pass.

Right now I'm scared.
Death is now an option for me
but I don't know if I'll be able to push through with it if the opportunity comes by.
or better yet,
I'm scared that I might push through with it if the opportunity comes by.

I don't belong to this world.

40 days

The 40th day since our lola's passing.
We should be having a mass and inviting relatives over.
I wouldn't be surprised if tita or karlo won't show up.
It's horrible how they act as if they're concerned but then they actually aren't.
or at least not enough.
I mean out of all the people, Karlo should have been the one who is affected by it the most since he is the one who practically lives there with her.

But no.
She was just an old woman to him.
You might say that I'm assuming things and that I'm just letting my hatred towards him cloud my thoughts.
But no.
Actions speak louder than words.
He knew that lola didn't have much to eat a week before she started losing strength
Because he was the one in charge of giving money to ate linda to buy lola's food.
He knew about the adaptor of the aircon
Lola was having a hard time during the hot afternoons and the stuffy nights.
But all they were thinking about was the electricity bill.
And then suddenly lola gets aircon 24/7 when she couldn't talk anymore?

They are full of crap
Tita would say that "if it's your time, it's your time"
You wanna know why I hate that line?
It's because it isn't the first time I heard it from her
I heard it back in 2011, when she first got hospitalized.
And then after that, and then another.
It was as if she just wanted her gone.
She wanted to just pacify the pain by giving her painkillers so she would shut up.
Karlo would say "Just rest na lola"
I hate it for the same reason
It wasn't the first time I heard it from him
Like mother like son I guess

Ate lea told camile that we should be together closer than ever now, as cousins, now that lola is gone.
But I refuse.
I can be civil with karlo
But I will never reach out to him
ever
the very reason why I started hating on him is because he wasn't feeding lola with proper food
The nerve of the asshole to feed lola fast food
an old lady with fast food
when she fed him with so much more
The money isn't even his in the first place
it's lolas
so why the fuck is he skimping on her?
Dumb shit
I can't deal with people like that
How could he treat the person who basically kept him alive, like that?
Without her, he would be on the streets
He's a nobody
Nothing wrong with being unemployed
but he's a fucking asshole
He made my lola suffer
And I couldn't do anything to save her from him