poorita pita lita zita rica

What in the world am I gonna do with my life?

As much as I want to start a business, I don't have capital and support from my parents. Which is quite understandable because I don't have a clue on how to start/run one, but I have Pao to help me! I just need the support.

I actually don't know what kind of business I'd like to start. Of course I'd like the have one that's close to my heart, which would be outdoor equipment. Food also comes into mind, but not the big scale kind, just the small events kind of business.

I guess the real reason why I can't get an office job is because I'm not meant for one. But God, I need their money. I need the office money. Where the hell do I start.

*This is the part of the story where the character is given an option that will lead them to the dark side because they can't handle the shit they're in right now. If that option is viable to me right now, I just might take it. 


Am I so bad, that even the devil won't strike a deal with me? Oh good lord, please work your magic with me.

Should I stay or should I go?

I'm stagnant. I am lost. Sometimes I just want to push people away because I can't get a grip of myself. How can I try to fix others when I'm broken myself? How can I give advice when I'm also in need of wisdom?

I'm about to leave trapeze. I'm just waiting for Will to come back so that I can tell him. I don't feel like I'm of use there. Not that I'm useless, but I feel like that "filler player" of the team. There's nothing special with me. With Chris coming back, it shouldn't be difficult to adjust to me leaving.

I wanted more money. I wanted time. Now I want to leave the city and just take a break. I want to know what it feels like to have the provincial life. I don't need to be rich, I just need enough to get me by. It would be great if I could have a place to stay for free and maybe I could exchange it with labor.

I'm 23. I'm not young, definitely not old, but I'm at that age where the decisions I make may crucially affect my future (not that I see myself going far though). I imagine myself dying from an accident, or from saving someone. I don't want to live long. I don't want to have a family. I don't want to have children. I don't want to be in a relationship. I can't even fix life, what more does adding people into the picture going to do?

Media makes it look so easy growing up.

Future Anxiety with money and life

It's early morning. I'm here with my notebook, trying to come up with start up ideas that can make me rich. I want to be financially stable, to be able to do what I want without having to rely on my parents. Is that too much to ask? I hate it whenever I fight with my parents and it's always about money. They would call me a good-for-nothing freeloader in the house trying to escape my responsibilities. 

Now, this isn't a post about me defending myself (I'm tired of that) but rather, a post about me trying to make myself independent from them. The only way I can see that happening is to move out. But I can't move out without funds. My current job can't suffice enough funds so what I thought of at first was freelancing. I already thought of doing some freelance work while working at the trapeze, but getting a freelance job isn't as easy as I expected it to be.

My end goal is to have a business. But god, I also want to do a lot of things! like hiking, cycling, going around the country.. Jesus, I don't know what to do. Be happy now? or tomorrow? I really don't know. I feel like I just want to win the lottery or join a syndicate. 

Now, I sound like a materialistic basic bitch. Well yes, I do want the finer things in life for myself and my future children. But also, I want to be able to help others. I will not work for money, money will have to work for me. I want to help children go to school, old people in the home for the aged to live with dignity, come up with inventions that could help save the world, etc.

My mind is already set for good.

REAL WORLD

1 week has passed since I started working for FTP. I'm currently adjusting my body clock to the schedule, and my body for the physical aspect that the job entails. My parents still don't give me allowance or commute money for me to get there, so I used the money allotted for my class graduation picture. I have to get better at my swings and swivel hips so that I could be considered for shows in the future. It's kind of pressuring since I'm the only female instructor there.

Research Assistant

A professor of mine posted a status on Facebook

upon seeing this, I got excited and messaged her right away

I got so excited, but at the same time I was nervous. What if she didn't want me? what if she thinks that I'm not good enough? upon weighing the pros and cons, I decided to e-mail her

When I received this, it was like my boat sank, and it hasn't even sailed yet. I know that once she sees my grades, she's gonna be turned off by it and just reject me. I might be able to get in with my recommendations, but the two professors I had in mind are out of the country. The professor left behind here don't know me well.

I knew it was too good to be true. I got so excited over this opportunity. I want to be a research assistant because I want to become better at researching. One day, I'd want to end up as a researcher. Researching is fun, but tasking. I didn't do well in my past subjects because I had to allot time for my other subjects as well. It may seem that I'm justifying myself, but I truly believe that if I could allot more time and effort in research, I'd be able to produce substantial and socially relevant papers. 

All I want is the opportunity to train under someone who is willing to teach me, mentor me. I want someone to take the risk in picking me, and see the potential that I have as a future researcher. I wish an interview is included here, so that I can further explain myself as to why I want this job despite my unattractive grades.

I still haven't submitted my grades and recommendation letters, but I'll still take the chance and just go with it. Besides, what's there for me to lose? (my dignity) Sending my grades will make my chances slimmer, but not sending it would result to not having the chance at all. 

Anxiety attacks

November 8, 2014
00:08

I'm so scared.
I'm scared of the future.

This isn't like me, I'm the 'Fuck it' or 'bahala na' kind of person. But with college ending soon, I've been thinking about my future more often. I'm happy with Trapeze and I plan to continue working there after college. But my family and friends disapprove of this. I don't care about what they have to say, but what I think is bothering me is that I feel like I haven't accomplished anything yet. I feel like I only have like a year or two to enjoy my youth then after that is the big world. The world wherein you're an adult and you have to do all those boring jobs in the office and such. 

I don't know what to do with my life.
I don't even know what I want to be. I just, don't want to limit myself to one thing. I want to be a psychologist, researcher, trapeze artist, entrepreneur, etc. These are the things that I see myself becoming but I don't want to choose just one, because I love all.

Funny how I express myself here and not with my friends. I just can't seem to open up to them. I don't want to burden them with my problems and besides, I'm probably too busy fixing their problems. I'm probably a victim of compassion fatigue. 

My proposed solution? Get away from the city and travel alone. Get lost in unfamiliar places, meet new people, understand new culture, find myself in the process. 

It almost feels like I'm going to die soon.

No, I'm not suicidal. It's just that, I can't clearly see my future. at one angle, I'm a trapeze artist running my own rig, while at the other, I'm a researcher or a psychologist in a clinic.

This uncertainty is killing me.