Anxiety attacks

November 8, 2014
00:08

I'm so scared.
I'm scared of the future.

This isn't like me, I'm the 'Fuck it' or 'bahala na' kind of person. But with college ending soon, I've been thinking about my future more often. I'm happy with Trapeze and I plan to continue working there after college. But my family and friends disapprove of this. I don't care about what they have to say, but what I think is bothering me is that I feel like I haven't accomplished anything yet. I feel like I only have like a year or two to enjoy my youth then after that is the big world. The world wherein you're an adult and you have to do all those boring jobs in the office and such. 

I don't know what to do with my life.
I don't even know what I want to be. I just, don't want to limit myself to one thing. I want to be a psychologist, researcher, trapeze artist, entrepreneur, etc. These are the things that I see myself becoming but I don't want to choose just one, because I love all.

Funny how I express myself here and not with my friends. I just can't seem to open up to them. I don't want to burden them with my problems and besides, I'm probably too busy fixing their problems. I'm probably a victim of compassion fatigue. 

My proposed solution? Get away from the city and travel alone. Get lost in unfamiliar places, meet new people, understand new culture, find myself in the process. 

It almost feels like I'm going to die soon.

No, I'm not suicidal. It's just that, I can't clearly see my future. at one angle, I'm a trapeze artist running my own rig, while at the other, I'm a researcher or a psychologist in a clinic.

This uncertainty is killing me.