Quarter Life Crisis

December 17, 2014

For the past weeks, I've been feeling lost, as if I didn't know what to do in life anymore. I felt scared, of what I was going to do with my life. In turn, it suddenly made me want to travel the city, the country, and the world, just to get out of this place and somehow find myself. I know it sounds tumblr-ish, but it feels like the best remedy to what I'm feeling right now. 

Am I depressed? 
Probably not. Eating spaghetti still makes me happy, so depression is out of the picture. 

Am I being immature about it?
 maybe? it seems like I don't want to face the uncertainty of the future but in reality, I actually love uncertainty. I never thought that I'd get into psychology or get into sports like Dragon Boat or Trapeze. I know first hand that there are things in life that are meant for you that you do not know as of the moment, therefore making uncertainty actually a good thing.

I think the thing I'm having a problem with is commitment.

With graduation coming near, I'm going to have to make choices, choices that will direct me to what I want to fulfill in life. As of now, I'm having difficulties choosing between taking up Master's or continue working at Trapeze. Trapeze makes me happy as of the moment, but I also want to become a researcher in the future. I've thought of taking both at the same time, but with the late schedule of both, it isn't possible. Time is running out and I have to choose one or the other eventually.

With these turn of events I now fully understand that this single lifetime isn't enough. I want to experience the most that life can offer, whether it be extreme sports, or as simple as fishing with nets. I hate how some experiences are limited because of one's socio-economic status. I mean, why can't I learn how to fish like the fisher men? because its what poor people do? fuck that. I want to learn and I'm frustrated that I don't know how to learn it. Its not like I know any fishermen around. Or I also want to learn how to operate those cranes they use in construction sites. Okay, maybe its understandable that this kind of experience isn't open to everyone but still, we shouldn't discriminate because experiences shouldn't be limited do just a certain class. Anyways, the point is that there's a lot of things that I want to experience but I just don't know where to start.

I'm confused, and scared, and I just want to know what to do with my life.

Anxiety attacks

November 8, 2014
00:08

I'm so scared.
I'm scared of the future.

This isn't like me, I'm the 'Fuck it' or 'bahala na' kind of person. But with college ending soon, I've been thinking about my future more often. I'm happy with Trapeze and I plan to continue working there after college. But my family and friends disapprove of this. I don't care about what they have to say, but what I think is bothering me is that I feel like I haven't accomplished anything yet. I feel like I only have like a year or two to enjoy my youth then after that is the big world. The world wherein you're an adult and you have to do all those boring jobs in the office and such. 

I don't know what to do with my life.
I don't even know what I want to be. I just, don't want to limit myself to one thing. I want to be a psychologist, researcher, trapeze artist, entrepreneur, etc. These are the things that I see myself becoming but I don't want to choose just one, because I love all.

Funny how I express myself here and not with my friends. I just can't seem to open up to them. I don't want to burden them with my problems and besides, I'm probably too busy fixing their problems. I'm probably a victim of compassion fatigue. 

My proposed solution? Get away from the city and travel alone. Get lost in unfamiliar places, meet new people, understand new culture, find myself in the process. 

It almost feels like I'm going to die soon.

No, I'm not suicidal. It's just that, I can't clearly see my future. at one angle, I'm a trapeze artist running my own rig, while at the other, I'm a researcher or a psychologist in a clinic.

This uncertainty is killing me.

time travel

November 7, 2014

My hands finally opened up yesterday. I kept swinging yesterday and it was also my first time getting a return bar. 

Its been a while since I posted because Trapeze and school work has been eating up most of my time. I hardly have time to condition myself at home or use my time to leisure on some projects, heck I don't even have time to go out with my friends (who aren't from the same school). It came to a point that one of my friends told me that I'm getting too busy and that I should spend time with my friends while I still can, because I won't be able to have such luxury when I start working already.


This made me think, am I getting myself so busy that I don't get to enjoy what's happening now? Well, I enjoy doing Trapeze, and I honestly want to do well in school especially in my thesis so, why am I doubting? I'm probably just scared that in the future, I'll regret what I haven't done in the past (like hanging out with my friends more often). 

Is it poor time management? or messed up priorities? I think that I shouldn't expect much from the future because we can never really tell what will happen, I mean, I didn't expect dragon boat or Trapeze to get into my life. But then again, I shouldn't be too lax that I just go with the flow, I should at least have some direction in life. And in that direction, I could be led to another road. But still, I'm scared.

Student cuts

August 20, 2014

I had to be at the Trapeze rig by 2:30 pm. I left the house at 11:30 am for traffic allowance and also because I wanted to mow the lawn. When I arrived at the BGC bus station at Ayala, I decided that maybe I should avail of the Tap Card since I often commute to BGC anyways.

I paid 150 Php (100 for load, 50 for deposit) for the card. I get charged 9.80 Php as opposed to the standard rate of 12 Php (Student Discount).

They asked for my student ID to verify my identity as a student, and then they gave me my Tap card. Halfway through the bus ride I realized that the counter lady forgot to give me back my ID (or I forgot to ask it back). So, I had to take the bus back to the Ayala Terminal. The trip going back took me an hour. It was already 12:30 pm when I arrived at the terminal. After getting my ID, it took me 30mins to get to the rig. 

I was the first person to arrive at the rig. which wasn't surprising, since the call time is at 2:30 pm. So, I began mowing the lawn and cutting up the tall grass that was covering the lines. The only thing I didn't like about cutting the tall grass was that kuya Eduardo was scouting the spot where I was cutting the grass and he told me that he could hear a snake nearby. It scared me, but it gave me more reason to cut the grass. 

During our first class, I got a cut while assisting at the board. I probably got it from the clips, but this is the first time that it has happened to me. And it hurts.

Hey look its Tinkerbell in the background

After our last class, I headed to Bam bam's place since camile and gab were there hanging out (and I needed a ride home). We played cards against humanity (which was a pretty sick game) and they had some alcoholic drinks. I passed on drinking alcohol coz I recently just got wasted ( and I don't want to feel wasted anytime soon). Gab got so drunk that he actually asked me if I could drive his pick-up for him. 

Tinkerbell and Lucky fell asleep on my lap

Despedida of Dan

August 18, 2014

I got wasted last night. We had a despedida for Dan coz he's going back to Stockholm so we decided to drink at the trapeze. We did net races, balancing on the slack line, card games, etc. I vomited twice on the grass (I made sure I didn't vomit on our turf), and luckily I got a ride home. I probably scared my maid again by banging on her door, asking her to open the door.

When I woke up the next morning, my mom was scolding me already. Ugh, as if the hangover isn't enough of a punishment for me. I think vomit went up my nose coz everything smelled like alcohol to me. like, when I went downstairs, the kitchen smelled like wine. And then it smelled like tequila when I went to the bathroom. I pointed this out to my mom but she thought I was fooling around (as usual) and told me "tigilan mo nga ako danise!". haha


I don't get to post that often because trapeze is taking up most of my time, But I'm not complaining, I love trapeze.

Internship!

Aug 3, 2014

Today was my second day interning for Flying Trapeze Philippines. I was a bit shaky after my first swing, but I felt like I wanted to go up and do it all over again after a few swings. My whole body is aching right now because of futsal and trapeze, but its a good kinds of sore.. like the kind that you can feel like your muscles are forming.

During training I realized that I really do need to gain some pounds. There was this part during training that I had to hold on to my co-worker, and then I had to lean back so that he wouldn't fall, but since he was heavier than me, I ended up being pulled and eventually I had to let him go. Good thing the trainer was there to guide me and it didn't go as bad as it could have.

Also, I was finally able to do a knee hang glide! :D But, I wasn't able to land properly so.. I gotta work on that :p

I can't wait to go back and train again! This is like, THE BEST internship ever! :D

crazy people everywhere

July 28, 2014

On my way home from school while riding a jeepney, this man jumps in with a glass filled with ice and water, and sits across me. As soon as he settles in, he starts shouting all these things like "Ezekiel chapter.." "In  the book of Solomon!..." "the american...BRITANNICA! ... is the bible! ..." etc. His voice was deep and frog-like. This was enough to make the people beside him scoot away from him ( he was also swaying his glass side to side violently). Unfortunately, I couldn't move coz our side was full. Also, this guy kept looking at me and kept trying to start a conversation with "dun ka nag-aaral noh? *points back to vito cruz*" which made the trip a little bit uncomfortable for me.

Most of the passengers were trying to avoid the gaze of this guy, and some were even snickering. I mean, if you had to share a jeepney with this guy, wouldn't you be scared? or wouldn't you find it comical? If there's one thing I'm sure of, it would be that everyone on the jeep thought of him as "crazy". 

"crazy" is a term we often use to describe people who defy the norms which may be comical, stupid, or scary. I used to steer clear from them out of fear, but after taking up psychology, I learned to understand these kind of people. Its sad that the government isn't doing anything about these homeless people who may or may not be suffering dementia. 

Probably the worst experience I had was when I saw a homeless woman by the sidewalk and I saw that she was wearing a ring on her ring finger. It was really shiny and it didn't look like the cheap ones you'd see anywhere, it look pretty decent and expensive. Maybe she just picked it up somewhere, or maybe she's part of a syndicate, but maybe, she was actually married. And now she's sleeping on the streets.

What if she had kids? 

what if her husband died and then she got so depressed that she ended up that way? 

What if her children abandoned her because they didn't have money to take her to a doctor? 

Of course, there is no way for me to verify these "what ifs". But the thought that maybe one of these "what ifs" may be true is just excruciating. During this experience, I thought of my lola and lola puy. What if my family didn't have the money to bring them to a doctor? would we have done the same? 

I hope not. But then again, there's no way I can verify this.

In other news:

The jeepney I took had one of those "DJ Drivers" (Drivers who love playing their music so loud that they can't hear you when you make "para"). But this one was different because he was playing songs like "safe and sound" ,"stay the night", "birthday -katy perry", unlike the others who would play OPM or mixes that are just.... really bad :( It really made the trip going home less stressful!  :D

 I really wish we had more jeepney drivers who have good taste in music. I'd pick that jeep over any other jeep any day... haha! :))

she said YES!

July 24, 2014

Today, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. My mom made me bring my brother to BGC and my sister to school knowing the fact that our car is coding. We left the house at around 6:40am. By the time I dropped my sister off, it was already 7:10am. Luckily, there wasn't that many MMDA officers on the road.

As I arrived home and about to leave for school, My mom told me that I had to buy something for the store and that I had to bring our new helper with me (so that he'd know where to go next time my mom asks). I was annoyed because I was already running late for class. By the time I got to the store, they said that they didn't have what my mom wanted (even though my mom told me that she called them ahead of time just to make sure that they do have stock). Pissed, I called my mom and asked her about it. It took them about a good 15 mins to get my mom's order right. After teaching the guy how to go home via jeep, I then realized that I forgot to give him the package that my mom asked for (-__-) . So, I had to bring it with me to school. By that time, I knew that this day wasn't my day.

My sister told me to meet up with her at Starbucks. After 30 mins, she still hasn't arrived. I didn't want to buy coffee because I don't coffee. Coffee makes me vomit but I LOVE the aroma of coffee. But anyways, I bought a sticky bun instead. I decided to cut my class because I still had to work on a paper that still needed RRLs. My sister arrived around an hour later. She ordered this drink that tasted like scented candles (I've never tried eating scented candles but the drink's taste reminds me of it). I couldn't finish my sticky buns, so I gave them to my sister who finish it quickly because she loves cream cheese.

after class, I headed to the CLA office to get my forms for excused absence, and to the Psych department to check if miss replied to my letter regarding some subjects and thesis. I was so nervous as the secretary was looking for my letter. but...

My day got better when I saw this on my paper

She's actually a cool prof but then there are times when she's in that "don't stand in my way" kind of mood. Which is why I was so nervous coz I didn't know what to expect. 

After doing a little happy dance, I headed over to Zaide to meet up with my sister with her thesis mates. When I arrived, they (my sister and her female thesis mate) were having an argument with their male thesis mate (Which I found quite unfair coz it was 2 vs 1 but.. that's none of my business). 

"On Wednesdays, we wear pink"

I only realized that it was a Wednesday and I wore pink when I saw someone post it on facebook (I swear, it was a coincidence)

got in SDA yesterday

I blend in perfectly

Selfie with lola!

July 20, 2014

Today, I was able to convince my lola to take a selfie with me.

well, with us.

Despite her "asim" face, she was actually really happy while we were taking this pic.


This is one of the few moments wherein our lola isn't tired, or grumpy, or tired and grumpy at the same time. She was actually very talkative today, and she didn't mind that I lie down beside her (despite me being very malikot). It was almost like, she was getting better from her illness.
Maybe by next week, she'll be able to sit up and eat on her own. And then after that, she'll be able to walk around on her own (using a walker) and then maybe she'd be able to tend to her garden again. And then maybe, she'll finally go downstairs (with our help of course) and eat with us and then play the piano (and maybe listen to us play the guitar and piano too!).

But I know she's not getting any better. And maybe the sooner I accept that, the less it'll hurt when the time comes.

LASARE3 A56

July 19, 2014

I just got back from my retreat in tagaytay. We were originally designated to have our retreat at batangas, but due to the lack of electricity and water caused by the recent typhoon, we had to either reschedule our retreat or find another retreat house that will take us in.

Here's my bed

looks like a prison bed, but it was comfortable.

"Light of the world" retreat house located in tagaytay city was kind enough to accommodate us despite their lack of electricity (they ran on generators during our stay). It wasn't that big, but it was big enough for our class composed of just 26 students.

26 students.
out of that number, I only knew 2 people.
during the retreat, I made 3 more friends, 1 of which was a former football freestyler.
I was so happy and frustrated at the same time when I heard him say  that he used to freestyle because it is so rare to meet a football freestyler here in the philippines! luckily for me, we're in the same club (Futsal club) and hopefully, i'd be able to learn a few tricks from him.

anyways, back to the retreat.

Our retreat (specifically our section) was pretty chill. Our facilitator was really nice and funny, and what I like about him is that he doesn't follow the program word per word. He says things in his own words and he tries to connect his experiences with the topic that we're in so that we could get a better grasp of the idea that he's trying to convey to us. Also, I like the group that I was with. They made the retreat more fun and enjoyable. I don't know why my other friends said that it was boring. They probably said that because they didn't have a good group to be with.

In the end, the retreat was fun! I wish it was 3 days 2 nights though :(

Check out their ceiling! its made out of egg cart trays! 

Here's a closer view

Here's the promise I made to myself

And they said that they'll send us back our craft in 3-5 years just to see if we really fulfilled it (what)

At around 3am, the generators went off and then the lights outside and our fan inside our room died. 

When I opened my eyes, I saw a silhouette of a person sitting down at the end of my roommate's bed, watching me. I assumed it was her, having difficulties sleeping because of the loss of power. So, I went back to bed. 

The next day, I told her this and to our surprise, she never sat up from bed. She was too scared to even open her eyes, all the more sit up during the complete darkness. She thought that I was just scaring her again, but I'm pretty sure that it wasn't a dream. And whats more creepy is that our friend narrated a similar story during breakfast. He said that there was a girl staring at him at the corner of the room. He tried telling his roommate to wake up, but he was too scared to even lift his covers. 

View from my bed. The silhouette was sitting on the end of her bed, watching me.

the end of her bed is near the corner of the room. pretty similar to my friend's experience.

Disaster preparedness

July 15, 2014

Today was the supposed landfall of the typhoon "Glenda" which is said to be stronger than the 2006 typhoon "Milenyo". The typhoon Milenyo was really strong, it was more on wind than rain actually. I was at 5th grade and I think we got suspended for a week. There was this huge billboard (Mane n' tail shampoo, haha!) near our store and then my brother was able to catch a glimpse of it slowly falling to the ground. 

I've already charged my laptop and my cellphone in preparation of a black out. There are two things I hate about black outs; the heat, and showering in the dark. I mean, we do have candles and flashlights to illuminate the bathroom while we shower, but I don't know, it just feels different, like someone is just gonna pull the curtains and kill you (that's how I feel). 

Whenever there would be a black out, I would always imagine myself being in a zombie apocalypse. Now what would you do during a zombie apocalypse? I'd prepare my flashlight, first-aid kit, and a weapon. I have an old trusty flashlight that has a spotlight, a florescent light, and a flash(light?), a standard first aid kit, and a long (but light) piece of wood for a weapon (we own a construction supply store so, yeah). I mean you never know when it'll happen right? Not necessarily a zombie apocalypse but remember what happened in tacloban during the typhoon "Yolanda"? Looters are just like zombies. Wouldn't want to take that chance. Or maybe I'm just being paranoid.