I wasn't ready

Today, I got into sleep paralysis during my siesta.
I already knew that it was about to happen,
so I let it happen.
When the girl showed herself,
I wasn't scared.
I thought to myself that I'm ready
ready to give up.
So as I lay there doing nothing

I could see the room.
my right eye was already shut,
and the left was about to
but when it was getting smaller and smaller
I suddenly started fighting it
suddenly, I got scared of what I got myself into
I thought to myself that I don't know the gravity of what I'm doing
So until I'm sure of what I want,
I decided to fight it
it wasn't easy.
the girl was laughing at my effort
I could see her through my right eye
I kept fighting
it became harder and harder
at one point I was able to open both eyes
but I couldn't speak even though I tried with much effort
my right eye shut again
It was getting more difficult
I went all out and decided to focus on the girl and try to destroy her
fortunately or not, I woke up.

What is a person like me still doing in this world?

She was willing to pay for his trip but not mine.

At this point, I really don't know what to do.
It's not that I have to do something,
it's just that I feel like I don't belong
Like, my very existence is wrong
It's either I conform to the system
or leave

Devil, show yourself.
Because this time, I'm ready to go with you.
I've got no one to go back to.
Although I have friends,
I don't want to burden them
I hope they forgive me if ever I make the decision.

I'm at this point where if ever I do get sleep paralysis,
I don't want to wake up.
I won't even fight
It's going to be hard,
but this time, I'm just gonna let it go.
and hope I don't wake up.

If that's the case, I should start writing letters just to show them that when I'm gone,
it wasn't because of one incident.
It was a small thing that compiled through time again and again,
to the point where it was stupid
it would be stupid of me to just let it pass.

Right now I'm scared.
Death is now an option for me
but I don't know if I'll be able to push through with it if the opportunity comes by.
or better yet,
I'm scared that I might push through with it if the opportunity comes by.

I don't belong to this world.

Giving up

This uncertainty.
I used to be accustomed to it.
I learned to.
But now it's making me want to give up.
Not that it scares me,
but I think it's because I don't have aspirations anymore.
Did I have one in the first place?
I dunno.

I don't know how to describe what I'm in right now,
but the closest word I can get is "Hopeless"
I don't see the new day as something to look forward to
It's just another day
At the end of each day,
I end up evaluating
I've done some things during the day
but they're nothing that makes me exceptionally happy
I don't think I've been genuinely happy recently
I feel like I've changed, as a person
I've become, sadder
Not that I cry every night,
but that I'm not enthusiastic anymore
I feel it

but I still find myself sharing funny shit on facebook
Some videos make me laugh
but not happy
I think there's a difference
When was I happy about something?
What am I looking forward to?

One thing I liked about uncertainty was that even though you can never really expect anything,
50% of the outcome can make you happy
It's either happy or sad
And at this point,
I don't think anything happy is coming my way
I might as well die or something

Time check in

(7/8/16)
I'm 23 years old, what have I achieved in life?

I've probably achieved a thing or two, but this life I'm living right now isn't what I thought it would be. Would my 13 year old self be proud of me with where I am in life right now? I think I recall that when I was 20, I wrote a timeline on what I would expect in the next 10 years. I think by 23, I should have established a business, even just a small one.

Where am I now?

I'm a trapeze instructor, still working on my billion dollar idea, and my bank account is still struggling. I have however, traveled around the Philippines. the geotags on my instagram photos are slowly spreading out.

A friend of mine died though.

His name was Lorenzo Pena. He was my hiking mentor. I recall one of my earliest memories of him back in 6th grade, when he got into a fight with his seatmate by stabbing him with a pen. They both got a scolding from the head teacher. I recall passing by him and told him that everything would be alright. Ever since, we've been friends. He listened to metal, did rock climbing, and was a thespian. I hated him from bringing me to Kibungan cross country. But am flattered that he thought I could do it. He loved life, lived it to the fullest, with no regrets. I'm happy for him.

Am I happy where I am right now?

Yes, No, Maybe? It's complicated. There are times I tell myself that I'm still young, and some times when I tell myself I'm getting old. I don't know. I feel like those who pass are lucky they don't have to deal with this anymore. Not that I don't like it, its just, I dunno. I'm not suicidal though, I just.. don't know where I am right now.

I don't know,

I'm lost.