I thought I was prepared for this day

When you think you're okay but you know you're not.

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Our lola just passed away last January 28, 2017 approx. 23:34. She was declared dead by the doctor by midnight.

I was there, along with my siblings and my nephew, who witnessed her last breath.

We were called in by Tita and she said that we should be by her side because her breathing started to slow down. It was getting weaker with every breath. Quinito and I were on opposite sides, while dan and danielle were by her feet. I'd constantly look at my watch to take note of the time of death.

When she finally passed, I couldn't take it.
She was gone.
Nothing of her conscious self was left. Only the physical body she left behind.

The Doctor came in at around midnight. After making sure that she didn't have a pulse anymore, and checking her pupils if they can still dilate, She declared her dead right then and there.

Now we had to bring her to the morgue.
Mommy and Karlo were fixing Lola's dentures.
When the paramedics were wrapping up Lola in the body bag, I lost it.
I wouldn't let them do such a thing to Lola if she were alive.
But I knew she was dead.
My mind and heart were fighting each other.
My mind knew but my heart wouldn't accept.
The cognitive dissonance is real.

Tita and the others went straight to the morgue. I had to bring mommy home because she said that she had to change her clothes. When we got home, I got some clothes for Dan and I saw mommy just sitting by the bed. I told her that we had to go. And then she uttered, "I can smell flowers". I said, "What?" even though I heard her clearly the first time. And then she repeated it. I told her there are no flowers here and that we had to go if we wanted to catch up to them.

When we got to the morgue, they were at the office. Tita was fixing the papers and they already picked out an urn for lola.
It was a purple urn with silver butterflies. It didn't strike my fancy, but it definitely represented lola. It was as if it was made just for her.
There was no way we would let her use the package urn that looks like a trash bin.
What I don't like about this, is that they were willing to spend 30,000 on an urn.
That much money to hold ashes.
And they hesitated to bring lola to the hospital because of funds.
And pulled the "If it's your time then it's your time" card to hide that fact.

This is something I'll never be able to forgive myself.
The fact that my family, decided to "save money"
instead of alleviating your pain.
I knew it was your time
I just wanted it to be as comfortable as possible
Not drowning

When the papers were settled, we went to the morgue to say goodbye to lola, as she would have to sleep there alone all by herself.
Her body was still a bit warm, it hasn't stiffened up.
She was covered in her Rose petaled bed sheet.
We said our goodbyes, and they wrapped her up again in the body bag.
The cognitive dissonance is strong

When we got home, I sat on my bed and took off my shoes.
When I saw my toes, I suddenly remembered what her toes looked like.
They were curled, stiff, and started to discolor.
I could wiggle mine.
And then I started to cry.
I thought to myself, "What am I doing worth living in my life?"
I thought, maybe I should've just given up my life just to alleviate her suffering during her passing.
I wouldn't mind that sacrifice
It's the least I can do given what she's done to me and my family

While others had their parents, I had lola.
My parents helped me survive in this physical world with food, shelter, education, etc.
But my lola taught me how to live.
How to appreciate the arts
How to be kind to strangers
How to aspire for better things
She was royalty in my eyes
And I'm ashamed that I wasn't able to give her the best treatment during her passing.

I wasn't strong enough
rich enough
established enough
by the time you passed
and I'm sorry
There's nothing I can do to change that
I hope you forgive me
Knowing you, I know you'd forgive me
But this time, there's no way for me to verify if this is true

poorita pita lita zita rica

What in the world am I gonna do with my life?

As much as I want to start a business, I don't have capital and support from my parents. Which is quite understandable because I don't have a clue on how to start/run one, but I have Pao to help me! I just need the support.

I actually don't know what kind of business I'd like to start. Of course I'd like the have one that's close to my heart, which would be outdoor equipment. Food also comes into mind, but not the big scale kind, just the small events kind of business.

I guess the real reason why I can't get an office job is because I'm not meant for one. But God, I need their money. I need the office money. Where the hell do I start.

*This is the part of the story where the character is given an option that will lead them to the dark side because they can't handle the shit they're in right now. If that option is viable to me right now, I just might take it. 


Am I so bad, that even the devil won't strike a deal with me? Oh good lord, please work your magic with me.

Time check in

(7/8/16)
I'm 23 years old, what have I achieved in life?

I've probably achieved a thing or two, but this life I'm living right now isn't what I thought it would be. Would my 13 year old self be proud of me with where I am in life right now? I think I recall that when I was 20, I wrote a timeline on what I would expect in the next 10 years. I think by 23, I should have established a business, even just a small one.

Where am I now?

I'm a trapeze instructor, still working on my billion dollar idea, and my bank account is still struggling. I have however, traveled around the Philippines. the geotags on my instagram photos are slowly spreading out.

A friend of mine died though.

His name was Lorenzo Pena. He was my hiking mentor. I recall one of my earliest memories of him back in 6th grade, when he got into a fight with his seatmate by stabbing him with a pen. They both got a scolding from the head teacher. I recall passing by him and told him that everything would be alright. Ever since, we've been friends. He listened to metal, did rock climbing, and was a thespian. I hated him from bringing me to Kibungan cross country. But am flattered that he thought I could do it. He loved life, lived it to the fullest, with no regrets. I'm happy for him.

Am I happy where I am right now?

Yes, No, Maybe? It's complicated. There are times I tell myself that I'm still young, and some times when I tell myself I'm getting old. I don't know. I feel like those who pass are lucky they don't have to deal with this anymore. Not that I don't like it, its just, I dunno. I'm not suicidal though, I just.. don't know where I am right now.

I don't know,

I'm lost.

Reflecting decisions

One day, I had to go to school to fix some papers regarding my graduation. I was stopped at south gate because there was this new ID lace policy, so I had to buy an ID lace from national. After finishing my papers, on my way home I saw jayjay by the mcdo sign. He usually asks for some money for food or ice cream, but this time he asked if I could help him buy school supplies. I told him "tara!" as I crossed taft to get to national bookstore. He brought out a list of stuff that he needed, so after getting everything on the list, I added a backpack to it.

He kept thanking me in the store, and even after leaving. When we parted ways, a sales lady who was fixing inventories outside the store noticed that we (jayjay and I) weren't going the same direction. She asked me, "binili nyo po para sa kanya?"
and I responded "ay opo. para po sa skwela nya. babalik skwela na po sya bukas eh"
"ang bait nyo naman po.. thank you" she said with a smile on her face.
( I don't know why she said thank you though)

When I got on the jeep, I felt happy with what I did. But as time passed, I felt uneasy or disturbed(?) with what I did. Because of what I did, my pockets are tight now and my parents won't give me allowance anymore since I'm not studying anymore. My first paycheck will come at the end of the month. I probably felt that way because a part of me wants to become filthy rich and that act I did was not a way to do so. But then there's a part of me that doesn't care about money and just wants to spend it on other people.

Internally, I was torn. I didn't know if what I did was right anymore. I mean, It was in a way, but it wasn't in another way.. (ya feel me?)

anyways, I decided  to post a photo and a description of what I did on instagram and facebook, and a lot of people reacted to it. most of the comments consists of "heartwarming" "good job" "kind" and other nice things (The funniest one I got was, "may your tribe increase").

It was nice to see those comments, which reassured me that what I did was the right thing. Also, I felt good that I decided to share this story to other people because I think in a way, it inspired them to do the same.

One of the comments that struck me was "this is so you, elisha!"

was it, really? Is that what people think of me? A good person willing to help those in need? I'm happy but then disturbed by this. Why do I feel this way? Maybe its because I feel like this is who I am. This is what people think of me. This is what I'm meant to do in this world. To help others.

If that's the case, then I should be thankful that I already found my purpose in life. But why do I feel this way? Am I not satisfied with this purpose? Am I ashamed of this purpose? I don't know. It's not that I'm ashamed, its that I feel like this kind of trait is associated with the weak. I don't want to be weak.

Or more like, Why am I trying to be strong for others when I'm also the weak one here? Ah, now I know why I'm torn. It's because of this idea. People think of me as a strong person. And because of that, I'm never given the opportunity to show weakness to them (or at least I choose not to because of this expectation).

What am I suppose to do? Who do I turn to? I want people to see me as human. I'm such a hypocrite. I aim to be God-like yet I want people to treat me as a human (please don't take this phrase literally, you know what I mean). I want to be strong for the weak, to show them that they're not weak, just tired. But I also want people to know that I'm not invincible and that I'm just like them. Now, I sound like someone who has a God-complex. It's not that. What I want to point out is that everyone has the capabilities to be strong for others, to be God-like. And I'd like to believe that I can be an example of that.

Should I stay or should I go?

I'm stagnant. I am lost. Sometimes I just want to push people away because I can't get a grip of myself. How can I try to fix others when I'm broken myself? How can I give advice when I'm also in need of wisdom?

I'm about to leave trapeze. I'm just waiting for Will to come back so that I can tell him. I don't feel like I'm of use there. Not that I'm useless, but I feel like that "filler player" of the team. There's nothing special with me. With Chris coming back, it shouldn't be difficult to adjust to me leaving.

I wanted more money. I wanted time. Now I want to leave the city and just take a break. I want to know what it feels like to have the provincial life. I don't need to be rich, I just need enough to get me by. It would be great if I could have a place to stay for free and maybe I could exchange it with labor.

I'm 23. I'm not young, definitely not old, but I'm at that age where the decisions I make may crucially affect my future (not that I see myself going far though). I imagine myself dying from an accident, or from saving someone. I don't want to live long. I don't want to have a family. I don't want to have children. I don't want to be in a relationship. I can't even fix life, what more does adding people into the picture going to do?

Media makes it look so easy growing up.

Future Anxiety with money and life

It's early morning. I'm here with my notebook, trying to come up with start up ideas that can make me rich. I want to be financially stable, to be able to do what I want without having to rely on my parents. Is that too much to ask? I hate it whenever I fight with my parents and it's always about money. They would call me a good-for-nothing freeloader in the house trying to escape my responsibilities. 

Now, this isn't a post about me defending myself (I'm tired of that) but rather, a post about me trying to make myself independent from them. The only way I can see that happening is to move out. But I can't move out without funds. My current job can't suffice enough funds so what I thought of at first was freelancing. I already thought of doing some freelance work while working at the trapeze, but getting a freelance job isn't as easy as I expected it to be.

My end goal is to have a business. But god, I also want to do a lot of things! like hiking, cycling, going around the country.. Jesus, I don't know what to do. Be happy now? or tomorrow? I really don't know. I feel like I just want to win the lottery or join a syndicate. 

Now, I sound like a materialistic basic bitch. Well yes, I do want the finer things in life for myself and my future children. But also, I want to be able to help others. I will not work for money, money will have to work for me. I want to help children go to school, old people in the home for the aged to live with dignity, come up with inventions that could help save the world, etc.

My mind is already set for good.

REAL WORLD

1 week has passed since I started working for FTP. I'm currently adjusting my body clock to the schedule, and my body for the physical aspect that the job entails. My parents still don't give me allowance or commute money for me to get there, so I used the money allotted for my class graduation picture. I have to get better at my swings and swivel hips so that I could be considered for shows in the future. It's kind of pressuring since I'm the only female instructor there.