Research Assistant

A professor of mine posted a status on Facebook

upon seeing this, I got excited and messaged her right away

I got so excited, but at the same time I was nervous. What if she didn't want me? what if she thinks that I'm not good enough? upon weighing the pros and cons, I decided to e-mail her

When I received this, it was like my boat sank, and it hasn't even sailed yet. I know that once she sees my grades, she's gonna be turned off by it and just reject me. I might be able to get in with my recommendations, but the two professors I had in mind are out of the country. The professor left behind here don't know me well.

I knew it was too good to be true. I got so excited over this opportunity. I want to be a research assistant because I want to become better at researching. One day, I'd want to end up as a researcher. Researching is fun, but tasking. I didn't do well in my past subjects because I had to allot time for my other subjects as well. It may seem that I'm justifying myself, but I truly believe that if I could allot more time and effort in research, I'd be able to produce substantial and socially relevant papers. 

All I want is the opportunity to train under someone who is willing to teach me, mentor me. I want someone to take the risk in picking me, and see the potential that I have as a future researcher. I wish an interview is included here, so that I can further explain myself as to why I want this job despite my unattractive grades.

I still haven't submitted my grades and recommendation letters, but I'll still take the chance and just go with it. Besides, what's there for me to lose? (my dignity) Sending my grades will make my chances slimmer, but not sending it would result to not having the chance at all. 

Anxiety attacks

November 8, 2014
00:08

I'm so scared.
I'm scared of the future.

This isn't like me, I'm the 'Fuck it' or 'bahala na' kind of person. But with college ending soon, I've been thinking about my future more often. I'm happy with Trapeze and I plan to continue working there after college. But my family and friends disapprove of this. I don't care about what they have to say, but what I think is bothering me is that I feel like I haven't accomplished anything yet. I feel like I only have like a year or two to enjoy my youth then after that is the big world. The world wherein you're an adult and you have to do all those boring jobs in the office and such. 

I don't know what to do with my life.
I don't even know what I want to be. I just, don't want to limit myself to one thing. I want to be a psychologist, researcher, trapeze artist, entrepreneur, etc. These are the things that I see myself becoming but I don't want to choose just one, because I love all.

Funny how I express myself here and not with my friends. I just can't seem to open up to them. I don't want to burden them with my problems and besides, I'm probably too busy fixing their problems. I'm probably a victim of compassion fatigue. 

My proposed solution? Get away from the city and travel alone. Get lost in unfamiliar places, meet new people, understand new culture, find myself in the process. 

It almost feels like I'm going to die soon.

No, I'm not suicidal. It's just that, I can't clearly see my future. at one angle, I'm a trapeze artist running my own rig, while at the other, I'm a researcher or a psychologist in a clinic.

This uncertainty is killing me.