Future Anxiety with money and life

It's early morning. I'm here with my notebook, trying to come up with start up ideas that can make me rich. I want to be financially stable, to be able to do what I want without having to rely on my parents. Is that too much to ask? I hate it whenever I fight with my parents and it's always about money. They would call me a good-for-nothing freeloader in the house trying to escape my responsibilities. 

Now, this isn't a post about me defending myself (I'm tired of that) but rather, a post about me trying to make myself independent from them. The only way I can see that happening is to move out. But I can't move out without funds. My current job can't suffice enough funds so what I thought of at first was freelancing. I already thought of doing some freelance work while working at the trapeze, but getting a freelance job isn't as easy as I expected it to be.

My end goal is to have a business. But god, I also want to do a lot of things! like hiking, cycling, going around the country.. Jesus, I don't know what to do. Be happy now? or tomorrow? I really don't know. I feel like I just want to win the lottery or join a syndicate. 

Now, I sound like a materialistic basic bitch. Well yes, I do want the finer things in life for myself and my future children. But also, I want to be able to help others. I will not work for money, money will have to work for me. I want to help children go to school, old people in the home for the aged to live with dignity, come up with inventions that could help save the world, etc.

My mind is already set for good.

Why Satan wanted Adam and Eve to eat that apple

It's 2 am, and I can't sleep. Coffee is downstairs and I'm too scared to check up on him because he might be dead. I'll admit, the last time I saw him, he wasn't in good condition. We brought him to the vet, and they told us that if he can survive 24-48 hours, most likely he'll survive.

When Danielle and I brought down meds for Coffee, I was glad to see him wagging his tail, but his eyes were blood shot red and his poop was black. I'm no vet, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't a good indicator that he was getting any better.

I know he's not gonna make it.
It sucks that I know that.
It hurts, knowing that something will happen whether you like it or not.
And you can't do anything about it.

I wish that when I wake up tomorrow morning, I forget to check if he's still there.
Or when I go home, I don't want to remember that he's the first one to greet me after a long day.
I wish that I could forget that at one point in my life, he made me happy.

Knowing hurts.
It is both a gift and a burden to know.
Which makes me think that the less you know, the happier you'll be. Why so? because life is cruel, harsh, evil, and everything nice is just our way of compensating or keeping ourselves sane.

I could be a little more hopeful.
Maybe he'll make it.
But still, these early morning thoughts will continue to torment me in my sleep.


*For the record, I hate making bible references. This is an exemption because it was the first thing that came into my mind*

update

September 10, 2015

Chris isn't back yet. His hand is still healing. Choi left trapeze to go back to subic, and Domeng is the new addition to the Trapeze family. I'm already pulling lines for kids and open swingers, but no catch yet.

Will is making me do marketing stuff for our team building package and after school programs. Its cool that I have my own work e-mail: danise@trapeze.ph .  Makes me feel so LEGIT. haha. So far, only one company replied to my e-mail, but its a big company, so maybe it's not that bad.

PSYCHOmetrician Board Exam

So, I decided to take the board exam

I decided to pass my requirements on the very last day of submitting requirements.

First hurdle: I WASN'T ALLOWED ENTRY BECAUSE I WAS WEARING SHORTS
I begged the security guard if he could let me in but he was very strict. So, I went around the area and looked for any clothing shops that could be selling leggings or anything. I had to walk a few blocks (take note, I was in an unfamiliar place) just to find a thrift shop. I bought a pair of joggers for 50 pesos and headed back to the PRC office.

Second hurdle: I FORGOT TO GET MY NBI CLEARANCE
When I got to the office and lined up, I overheard some people talking about the requirements needed for the board exam. I was eavesdropping and as she was mentioning the requirements one by one, I heard "NBI Clearance" and my expression quickly turned bad. I called my friend to confirm if we really needed the NBI clearance and she said that we did. So, I called up my mom asking her how much an NBI clearance is and if there were any office nearby aside from the main office at UN. As I left the office, I asked around if there were any NBI offices nearby. One of them directed me to a mall that was a few blocks away. I quickly headed towards the place and got my NBI clearance. I'm lucky that all I had to do was have it renewed and that my name was unique (else, I could get my NBI clearance after a week).

Third hurdle: I LACKED 2 MORE DOCUMENTS
When I got back, I was pretty confident that I had all my documents already. Now all I had to do was wait in line for my turn. It took me 2 hours until I got to the processing window. When it was finally my turn, I showed my documents and the guy asked for my "Certificate of Good Moral". I told him that it was there, but then he told me that I needed 3 in total: one from school, one from church, and one from the barangay. I only brought the one from school because I thought that the other 2 were just options. Good enough for me, the guy was nice enough and told me that I could come back the next day with the complete set of documents, all I had to do was pay for the fee that day.

I hated that day. I was so tired, hungry, and I had to miss work because of that.

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I can't take any review classes because their schedules are always conflicting with my work; which results to me having to resort to self study. I don't mind doing self study, since I saved the PDFs, PPTs, from my previous subjects. However, its still going to be difficult since I don't really have a scope of what is going to come up in the exam. There are 5 major components: ABPSYCH, INDPSYC, ASSESSMENT, SIKOPIL, and THEOPER. The one I believe that I will have most difficulty with would be INDPSYC because the professor that I got didn't tackle theories of Industrial Psychology rather, she talked about the experiences she had in the workplace. I wouldn't say that I didn't learn from that class (in fact, I did learn a lot!), but I don't think that her lessons would help me during the exam. Also, I have a friend taking up the review class in school and she was generous enough to send me the PDFs that they're using in class.

COUNTDOWN: 12 DAYS UNTIL THE BOARD EXAM

I'm currently studying ABPSYCH and I've only tackled 3 topics. I'm taking longer than expected and my work is consuming most of my time. Maybe not work, but the commute going to and back is what takes up most of my time. I'm thinking of bringing my laptop everyday and just study at a coffee shop after trapeze so that I don't waste time waiting for the bus and use it instead for studying. It would be costly though, considering that I'm going to have to eat dinner out everyday and drink coffee too, but this too shall pass.

REAL WORLD

1 week has passed since I started working for FTP. I'm currently adjusting my body clock to the schedule, and my body for the physical aspect that the job entails. My parents still don't give me allowance or commute money for me to get there, so I used the money allotted for my class graduation picture. I have to get better at my swings and swivel hips so that I could be considered for shows in the future. It's kind of pressuring since I'm the only female instructor there.

Overnite

I finally get to work at overnite camp!
I'm actually more nervous than excited about working at overnite because its my first time. I have a lot of preparation to do though, like banners, cheers, training, etc. I'm definitely going to get darker so I gotta stock up on some sunblock.

This is also going to be the last time I'm going to be working for CSC before I go full-time at Trapeze.

That final paper

Had our thesis defense, and passed our final paper yesterday, 4/20.

The defense turn out ok, it wasn't chill because sir kept asking questions, but it wasn't that bad because we knew that all he wanted was to bring out the best in our paper. Unfortunately, we couldn't revise it anymore because of time constraint. We had to have our thesis book bind already and we have less that 2 hours 'til deadline. also, we had to burn some necessary files in a cd. 

I really wish that we had more time to edit our thesis. I really felt like our reader liked it and he really wanted us to refine it. Too bad we had a sucky mentor that didn't even help us in our paper. We did a lot of running for the printing of stuff And when we got our hardbound thesis, we felt really happy. It was our baby. We've gone through so much together as a group that seeing that this is the end just seems so surreal

Back during the first leg of our thesis

Cafe de seoul

And towards the end 

 Alan's condo. we didn't have money anymore

Noel's. After finishing the paper

Cafe Jen. Stayed up 'til 2am to finish the paper

I'll miss this, for sure.

End of my academic life

Yesterday marked the last day of my academic life. I just had my last class at Andrew, where I also had my first class in the university. It was slowly sinking in that my time in the university is about to run out. My last class, ENVISOC, ended with a manifesto delivered by our professor. It wasn't a synthesis of what we've learned, but a plea to use what we've learned to help the environment.

Why do I feel this way?

maybe I'm scared of what will happen after college? maybe I'm not satisfied with what I've learned so far? I mean I dunno, to stop studying after 17 years.. that's some transition. I guess other people don't find it difficult because they've already set their minds for an office setting, which I think is similar to a classroom setting (minus the learning from the mentor part). I guess it'll be more like projects and homework everyday. I know that I'm not following that track in life anyway, so why do I feel this way? I think its because of the time I went on LOA. I think that I'm scared that the same thing will happen to me..the idleness is unbearable. However, I'm gonna continue with trapeze. At least that's something to look forward to.

Although this transition may be scary for me, I believe that it is necessary. I know that learning never ends, but I don't want to stay in college forever. hopefully, I can get that research assistant job and maybe that would make things easier for me.

Also, I realized that one of my thesismates won't be graduating with us since he forgot to take a subject -__- (Persef3).

COUNTDOWN TO THE LAST DAY

I'm down to my last few weeks in college.I just.. don't know what to do with my life. I mean, I've got a plan in my head, but is it the right one? Is it the one that's going to make me happy? I've got my goal on Trapeze already and now with opportunities like being a research assistant popping up, it just make me more unsure of my decisions.

I've always believed that if something makes you happy, there's no reason not to pursue it. So why am I feeling this way?

I'm scared of leaving the security of the University. Which is weird, because I've been working already and I haven't even graduated yet. Maybe I do have a passion for learning? I mean, the time I was on LOA is one of the worst times of my life. But my grades prove otherwise. I'm a slow learner, I admit. But I do love learning new things.

Things are going so fast for me. I want to graduate already, but.. I feel like I'm not ready just yet.. I'm not saying that I want to extend my stay in the University, I just feel that it's going to be hard for me when I do.


Playlist:
Tadhana - Up Dharma Down
Medicine - The 1975
Even in dreams - The Pains of Being Pure at Heart

Research Assistant

A professor of mine posted a status on Facebook

upon seeing this, I got excited and messaged her right away

I got so excited, but at the same time I was nervous. What if she didn't want me? what if she thinks that I'm not good enough? upon weighing the pros and cons, I decided to e-mail her

When I received this, it was like my boat sank, and it hasn't even sailed yet. I know that once she sees my grades, she's gonna be turned off by it and just reject me. I might be able to get in with my recommendations, but the two professors I had in mind are out of the country. The professor left behind here don't know me well.

I knew it was too good to be true. I got so excited over this opportunity. I want to be a research assistant because I want to become better at researching. One day, I'd want to end up as a researcher. Researching is fun, but tasking. I didn't do well in my past subjects because I had to allot time for my other subjects as well. It may seem that I'm justifying myself, but I truly believe that if I could allot more time and effort in research, I'd be able to produce substantial and socially relevant papers. 

All I want is the opportunity to train under someone who is willing to teach me, mentor me. I want someone to take the risk in picking me, and see the potential that I have as a future researcher. I wish an interview is included here, so that I can further explain myself as to why I want this job despite my unattractive grades.

I still haven't submitted my grades and recommendation letters, but I'll still take the chance and just go with it. Besides, what's there for me to lose? (my dignity) Sending my grades will make my chances slimmer, but not sending it would result to not having the chance at all. 

Tiny requests by professors

For ENVISOC, we were talking about indigenous tribes and about their practice of "kaingin".

Kaingin is the process of burning down trees so that these indigenous people can have land to plant new crops. Throughout my life studying, I've been taught that this is a bad practice because of its environmental impact whenever they burn down trees. However, our professor explained to us that they do this because the soil becomes filled with nutrients after they burn down the trees. Our professor told us that the rice they harvest are to die for, and that they come in all sorts of colors (not just the typical white, brown, black that we see in the market). 

However, most of these indigenous people are losing their lands because they are deceived or threatened to sell their land. In one account, he sold his hectare of land for just 3000 pesos. Our professor told us that there was a time that he had to console this person for 30 mins because that person felt bad that he sold his land; the only thing he had for his family. Now, some of them are contemplating on not continuing their practice of kaingin and just look for another way to earn a living. 

What's sad about this is that if they stop, so will the crops. The seeds they plant are only passed on by hand for every generation. The diverse and to-die-for (according to my prof) rice will soon be gone. Which is why at the end of the lecture, our professor told us that he knows that someday, we're going to be part of the government, big corporations, etc. All he's asking is that when we do sign papers involving ancestral land, we should check who are the people that are going to be affected. These indigenous people not only lose their livelihood, but also their home. He told us that when the time comes, he hopes that we remember this lecture and that we'd make the right choice. 

I love it when teachers make these little request. Maybe its because it makes me feel that they know that I'm going to be big someday. And in a way, it makes me want to comply to that request.

This request also heightened my anxiety towards the future. This made me feel that I will graduate soon and that I have to make the decision soon on whether I should continue with the psych path or the trapeze path. I still don't know. 

SWINGING OUT OF LINES

March 1, 2015

Yesterday, I decided to visit the trapeze. I was so stressed with thesis, practicum, etc. that I felt like I needed a break in order to keep my sanity. I thought that they'd like some ice cream for merienda so I bought them a tub of cookies and cream. I met Choi, he started working at the trapeze a few weeks ago.

After flying a few swings, Will said that I should take my lines off. I got scared, but excited. And when I did fly without lines, it was a strange feeling. Everything is faster, and every movement is all you. The lines aren't there to help you up or slow you down anymore. At the drop, it was also fast and I get to bounce higher on the net. I'M SO HAPPY THAT I'M FINALLY OUT OF LINES! it just makes me want to flying again and again! One of the perks of being out of lines is that now, I don't have to use the ladder to go down :D

However, my hand opened up because I wasn't wearing my grips :(

Internship so far

February 13, 2015

For the past few days I've been working at PhilPsyCor, so far so good. There are times I get to bum around, and there are times wherein I have to work all-out. I like my work because I'd rather have this over HR work. However, I've been hearing that our company is going down. A lot of people are resigning and the work ethics of some people there are just terrible (so they say). I can't really say much or confirm about this but even though I'm not a regular worker there, I want the company to progress maybe not because of the people there, but because it claims to be the Pioneering testing center of the Philippines (and also because they carry the Ph name).

I wish I can do something to help them, maybe my good vibes might help :) But I have no plans of working there after college.

Why Philippines

The Philippines is shit right now.

The never ending war in mindanao is getting worse not just in terms of casualties, but in terms of the mentality of people towards it. I know that war should never be the answer, but when you hear your professor claim that we should have an all out war with them, that's when you know that something is wrong.

Its enraging enough that the MILF rebels killed 44 of the SAF, but I don't think that declaring an all out war should be the answer. I think that we should first understand as to why they want to separate from the state and try to work from there. I'm not saying that the government hasn't tried this approach, but I think that they're not doing it the right way. An example would be the president using a bible reference in his speech to the filipino people. The Muslims in Mindanao are still filipino, and if I were them, I wouldn't take the president seriously after that statement. I think the reason why they want to separate from us is because they don't feel like they're one of us (or us as one of them). They would always complain how most of the budget would go to the urban state and they would be neglected, I've got friends from mindanao and I don't want them getting involved if ever an all out war will be called. I may be exaggerating, but you never know.

This country makes me want to leave and stay for the same reason. It's so imperfect that it's perfect. Imperfection just means that there's more room for improvement. I don't want to be part of a "perfect" because there is no such thing. It's 1am and maybe I'm not making sense right now.

small acts

On my way home from school, I saw someone drop a piece of paper (probably their EAF) while running. A street kid saw what happened and picked it up, and ran after the guy to return it. When the kid returned the piece of paper, the guy didn't even say thank you and went on his way. The kid just looked at him, and went back to what he was doing.

By the time the kid gave the paper to the guy, the guy wasn't running anymore. So there's no reason for the guy to not say thank you to the kid. I am deeply affected by this because what if the kid decides in the future to not return things that strangers drop? I mean, he can't even get a simple thank you then why should he even do it?

Maybe the scenario would have been a little different if the guy dropped his wallet instead of that piece of paper. Maybe he'd say thank you this time, or he'd say byebye to his wallet. I don't know.

Pass the time

January 26,2015

To this day, I haven't started with my internship in Philippine Psychological Corporation. I don't like being idle during my MWF.

I still haven't bought a soldering iron, and I still need to buy a crafting blade also.

I recently bought a book from a former classmate at half the price. I don't necessarily need the book anymore, but Its something I'd like to add to my "library" because I genuinely want to. aside from my online library of journals, I only own 2 books. which are:

Used in Biopsyc

Used in Philosophy

I'm  not a fan of novels("the giver" being an exemption to this); these are the kinds of books that I read because I genuinely want to. 

My lola has a lot of great works though from Aristotle, Plate, Descartes, etc. She also has the complete Britannica Medical Encyclopedia (However it might be outdated by now).

POPE: Encounter with teh youth

Pope visit.

We left ella's house at 1 am. everything was dark, and surprisingly, there were still a lot of cars on the street. Prior to this, I was at the trapeze until 9pm and when I took a nap when I got home. anyhow, SLEX was traffic because there was a road block and when we re-routed to Roxas boulevard, it started congesting at the US Embassy. We took another route through Taft and eventually, we reached UST.

When we got to UST, there was a long LONG line awaiting us. We told ourselves that there was no way we'd get a good spot with this line, so we went straight to the front. There, we saw that there was no line and that everyone was just crowding the gate. With the help of my short friends, they helped us get through the crowd and so we got a little closer to the gate.

It was already 2:30am and people were already filling up the streets. We thought to ourselves that all we have to do is wait for 30 more minutes then we'll finally be able to get in. But after sometime, they announced that they'd open the gates at 4am. People got pissed and started yelling their griefs. Some of them even collapsed probably because of the heat and/or they probably felt claustrophobic. When they opened the gates, it was like all hell broke loose. People just kept pushing, to the point that I was looking back and I didn't have to move because they were the ones moving me. One of my friends almost fainted because she got squished.

When we finally got in, we scouted for a spot and luckily we got a nice one. it wasn't at the very front, but it was quite near to it and it was also near the aisle. We finally got settled at 4:30am and decided to rest for a bit. Later on, they announced that there was going to be a mass at 5am since it was a sunday and they thought that since we were there, we might not have time to celebrate the mass in our respective parishes.

After the mass, they had a program prepared for us. A little singing and dancing, and whatnots to keep us entertained while waiting for the pope. it was 6am that time, and all I wanted to do was sleep. It was a loooong wait for the pope. Luckily, we made baon food. Although we couldn't eat or drink much because we didn't want to use the portalet (which was a horrifying experience for me).

At around 9:40am, they started playing lively music. At this point, people thought that the pope was already here. there were some assholes screaming and making people think that the pope is on their side but in fact he wasn't. by 10am, People were screaming non-stop and that's when I knew that the pope has finally arrived.

We were told beforehand that the pope wasn't going to celebrate the mass in UST. Instead, we would just be reading the liturgy. Part of this, they chose several speakers to share their sentiments to the pope; One of which was glaizell. She had the shortest speech among all of them, but it was the one that hit me the most.

It was raining, we were standing, and we were getting hungry. by the time the event ended, people took selfies by the stage while my friends took their fair share of selfies. The time was 12noon. We passed by Mcdonald's since that was the said meeting place. We couldn't contact the driver because our signal was still blocked. We headed towards Mich's dorm and then we decided to wait by the nearby bakery. I fell asleep on the table and when I woke up, it was around 2pm. And by that time, they already found us and so we headed home.

#MarcAndMariko2015

January 11, 2015

Yesterday, we celebrated the wedding of two of our friends, Bam bam and Sunny.
It was the first wedding that I've ever attended and I must say that I cried several times because I could see it in their faces that they were so happy so that made me happy. I never thought that I'd cry because I thought that people who do cry during weddings are either a) their relatives b) their best friend c) the one who wants to stop the wedding because they still have feelings for them. But after experiencing it first hand, I have now added a new category, d) those who are truly happy for the newly weds.

my siblings and I 

Church! look at those flight of stairs! 

We went crazy during the reception. There was good food, good music, good company, and alcohol!! danielle was drinking like she was thirsty af but hey, at least she didn't vomit.  :P All the counselors were owning the floor coz we were so crazy with our dance moves and shit.

ah, grass, perfect for those wearing heels

 table #22

towards the end

few people left

people still strong and drinking at the bar

customized kisses

sister got wasted

we finally retired to our room

morning view from our room

I wish I took more photos, but then again I didn't want to be the one documenting the event rather than living the event. besides, other people will probably take the photos and I'll just let them tag me anyways.

2015: To change for the better

January 05, 2015

I was never the type to make new year's resolutions because I know that somewhere along the way, I'm gonna forget making such resolutions. But for this year, I feel the need to make such.
Here are my resolutions for the year:


1. Do what you want and do it NOW.

For the past weeks, I've been anxious about my future; what will I do after graduating, what do I want to do for the rest of my life, etc. Now I realize that a lot can change in the future and sometimes there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not saying that I should just let my life slip by, no. You should do what you can about the future (e.g. graduate from college to get a job), and don't let those things that you cannot control (like finding out what you want to do for the rest of your life) scare you. Live in the "now" but don't forget about the future.

2. Make smart investments

Investments aren't limited to money, we also invest with time. Time for our friends, family, academics, leisure, etc. 2014 was a roller coaster ride for me (especially in terms of social support) Which is why I will make it a point to make proper investments this year in order to avoid such instance again. As selfish as it may sound, this year will be about "ME". I need to fix myself before I can fix others.



I only made 2 resolutions because these are the main things that have been bothering me last year. I want to grow more as a person this year and if I follow these resolutions, I believe that I will be able to achieve such before the year ends.