COUNTDOWN TO THE LAST DAY

I'm down to my last few weeks in college.I just.. don't know what to do with my life. I mean, I've got a plan in my head, but is it the right one? Is it the one that's going to make me happy? I've got my goal on Trapeze already and now with opportunities like being a research assistant popping up, it just make me more unsure of my decisions.

I've always believed that if something makes you happy, there's no reason not to pursue it. So why am I feeling this way?

I'm scared of leaving the security of the University. Which is weird, because I've been working already and I haven't even graduated yet. Maybe I do have a passion for learning? I mean, the time I was on LOA is one of the worst times of my life. But my grades prove otherwise. I'm a slow learner, I admit. But I do love learning new things.

Things are going so fast for me. I want to graduate already, but.. I feel like I'm not ready just yet.. I'm not saying that I want to extend my stay in the University, I just feel that it's going to be hard for me when I do.


Playlist:
Tadhana - Up Dharma Down
Medicine - The 1975
Even in dreams - The Pains of Being Pure at Heart

Research Assistant

A professor of mine posted a status on Facebook

upon seeing this, I got excited and messaged her right away

I got so excited, but at the same time I was nervous. What if she didn't want me? what if she thinks that I'm not good enough? upon weighing the pros and cons, I decided to e-mail her

When I received this, it was like my boat sank, and it hasn't even sailed yet. I know that once she sees my grades, she's gonna be turned off by it and just reject me. I might be able to get in with my recommendations, but the two professors I had in mind are out of the country. The professor left behind here don't know me well.

I knew it was too good to be true. I got so excited over this opportunity. I want to be a research assistant because I want to become better at researching. One day, I'd want to end up as a researcher. Researching is fun, but tasking. I didn't do well in my past subjects because I had to allot time for my other subjects as well. It may seem that I'm justifying myself, but I truly believe that if I could allot more time and effort in research, I'd be able to produce substantial and socially relevant papers. 

All I want is the opportunity to train under someone who is willing to teach me, mentor me. I want someone to take the risk in picking me, and see the potential that I have as a future researcher. I wish an interview is included here, so that I can further explain myself as to why I want this job despite my unattractive grades.

I still haven't submitted my grades and recommendation letters, but I'll still take the chance and just go with it. Besides, what's there for me to lose? (my dignity) Sending my grades will make my chances slimmer, but not sending it would result to not having the chance at all. 

Tiny requests by professors

For ENVISOC, we were talking about indigenous tribes and about their practice of "kaingin".

Kaingin is the process of burning down trees so that these indigenous people can have land to plant new crops. Throughout my life studying, I've been taught that this is a bad practice because of its environmental impact whenever they burn down trees. However, our professor explained to us that they do this because the soil becomes filled with nutrients after they burn down the trees. Our professor told us that the rice they harvest are to die for, and that they come in all sorts of colors (not just the typical white, brown, black that we see in the market). 

However, most of these indigenous people are losing their lands because they are deceived or threatened to sell their land. In one account, he sold his hectare of land for just 3000 pesos. Our professor told us that there was a time that he had to console this person for 30 mins because that person felt bad that he sold his land; the only thing he had for his family. Now, some of them are contemplating on not continuing their practice of kaingin and just look for another way to earn a living. 

What's sad about this is that if they stop, so will the crops. The seeds they plant are only passed on by hand for every generation. The diverse and to-die-for (according to my prof) rice will soon be gone. Which is why at the end of the lecture, our professor told us that he knows that someday, we're going to be part of the government, big corporations, etc. All he's asking is that when we do sign papers involving ancestral land, we should check who are the people that are going to be affected. These indigenous people not only lose their livelihood, but also their home. He told us that when the time comes, he hopes that we remember this lecture and that we'd make the right choice. 

I love it when teachers make these little request. Maybe its because it makes me feel that they know that I'm going to be big someday. And in a way, it makes me want to comply to that request.

This request also heightened my anxiety towards the future. This made me feel that I will graduate soon and that I have to make the decision soon on whether I should continue with the psych path or the trapeze path. I still don't know. 

SWINGING OUT OF LINES

March 1, 2015

Yesterday, I decided to visit the trapeze. I was so stressed with thesis, practicum, etc. that I felt like I needed a break in order to keep my sanity. I thought that they'd like some ice cream for merienda so I bought them a tub of cookies and cream. I met Choi, he started working at the trapeze a few weeks ago.

After flying a few swings, Will said that I should take my lines off. I got scared, but excited. And when I did fly without lines, it was a strange feeling. Everything is faster, and every movement is all you. The lines aren't there to help you up or slow you down anymore. At the drop, it was also fast and I get to bounce higher on the net. I'M SO HAPPY THAT I'M FINALLY OUT OF LINES! it just makes me want to flying again and again! One of the perks of being out of lines is that now, I don't have to use the ladder to go down :D

However, my hand opened up because I wasn't wearing my grips :(