Time check in

(7/8/16)
I'm 23 years old, what have I achieved in life?

I've probably achieved a thing or two, but this life I'm living right now isn't what I thought it would be. Would my 13 year old self be proud of me with where I am in life right now? I think I recall that when I was 20, I wrote a timeline on what I would expect in the next 10 years. I think by 23, I should have established a business, even just a small one.

Where am I now?

I'm a trapeze instructor, still working on my billion dollar idea, and my bank account is still struggling. I have however, traveled around the Philippines. the geotags on my instagram photos are slowly spreading out.

A friend of mine died though.

His name was Lorenzo Pena. He was my hiking mentor. I recall one of my earliest memories of him back in 6th grade, when he got into a fight with his seatmate by stabbing him with a pen. They both got a scolding from the head teacher. I recall passing by him and told him that everything would be alright. Ever since, we've been friends. He listened to metal, did rock climbing, and was a thespian. I hated him from bringing me to Kibungan cross country. But am flattered that he thought I could do it. He loved life, lived it to the fullest, with no regrets. I'm happy for him.

Am I happy where I am right now?

Yes, No, Maybe? It's complicated. There are times I tell myself that I'm still young, and some times when I tell myself I'm getting old. I don't know. I feel like those who pass are lucky they don't have to deal with this anymore. Not that I don't like it, its just, I dunno. I'm not suicidal though, I just.. don't know where I am right now.

I don't know,

I'm lost.

COUNTDOWN TO THE LAST DAY

I'm down to my last few weeks in college.I just.. don't know what to do with my life. I mean, I've got a plan in my head, but is it the right one? Is it the one that's going to make me happy? I've got my goal on Trapeze already and now with opportunities like being a research assistant popping up, it just make me more unsure of my decisions.

I've always believed that if something makes you happy, there's no reason not to pursue it. So why am I feeling this way?

I'm scared of leaving the security of the University. Which is weird, because I've been working already and I haven't even graduated yet. Maybe I do have a passion for learning? I mean, the time I was on LOA is one of the worst times of my life. But my grades prove otherwise. I'm a slow learner, I admit. But I do love learning new things.

Things are going so fast for me. I want to graduate already, but.. I feel like I'm not ready just yet.. I'm not saying that I want to extend my stay in the University, I just feel that it's going to be hard for me when I do.


Playlist:
Tadhana - Up Dharma Down
Medicine - The 1975
Even in dreams - The Pains of Being Pure at Heart

Quarter Life Crisis

December 17, 2014

For the past weeks, I've been feeling lost, as if I didn't know what to do in life anymore. I felt scared, of what I was going to do with my life. In turn, it suddenly made me want to travel the city, the country, and the world, just to get out of this place and somehow find myself. I know it sounds tumblr-ish, but it feels like the best remedy to what I'm feeling right now. 

Am I depressed? 
Probably not. Eating spaghetti still makes me happy, so depression is out of the picture. 

Am I being immature about it?
 maybe? it seems like I don't want to face the uncertainty of the future but in reality, I actually love uncertainty. I never thought that I'd get into psychology or get into sports like Dragon Boat or Trapeze. I know first hand that there are things in life that are meant for you that you do not know as of the moment, therefore making uncertainty actually a good thing.

I think the thing I'm having a problem with is commitment.

With graduation coming near, I'm going to have to make choices, choices that will direct me to what I want to fulfill in life. As of now, I'm having difficulties choosing between taking up Master's or continue working at Trapeze. Trapeze makes me happy as of the moment, but I also want to become a researcher in the future. I've thought of taking both at the same time, but with the late schedule of both, it isn't possible. Time is running out and I have to choose one or the other eventually.

With these turn of events I now fully understand that this single lifetime isn't enough. I want to experience the most that life can offer, whether it be extreme sports, or as simple as fishing with nets. I hate how some experiences are limited because of one's socio-economic status. I mean, why can't I learn how to fish like the fisher men? because its what poor people do? fuck that. I want to learn and I'm frustrated that I don't know how to learn it. Its not like I know any fishermen around. Or I also want to learn how to operate those cranes they use in construction sites. Okay, maybe its understandable that this kind of experience isn't open to everyone but still, we shouldn't discriminate because experiences shouldn't be limited do just a certain class. Anyways, the point is that there's a lot of things that I want to experience but I just don't know where to start.

I'm confused, and scared, and I just want to know what to do with my life.