2017 in a nutshell

2017 started off bad.
2017 is ending bad.

When Lola passed away early in 2017, we thought that we would end up getting closer as a  family. Ate Lea said that they'd be back for Christmas in Manila to celebrate with us; making it the first Christmas without Lola. But they ended up coming back for a different reason.

Quinito passed away last November 21, 2017. He got into a car accident, which killed him and his girlfriend.

It was all planned out, we told each other that when he gets back for Christmas, we'd drink absinthe (the correct way) and we'd go drinking together. We were suppose to, after a long time, spend Christmas together.

When I saw kuya Joaquin enter through those doors, I cried. It must be hard for a parent to see their child like that, in an urn. ate Lea was worse. I couldn't even approach her coz she was a wreck at that time. The worst thing a parent can experience, is having to witness their child surpassing them in death.

I always thought that Quinito would be the only one that could glue us back together as a family. Mommy and Tita would talk to each other if it was about Quinito.

Life really is strange. As much as I hate where I'm at right now, I know it will bring me to where I need to be. The struggles I'm facing are lessons for things that I will have to endure in the future. I know coz I've seen how my struggles before has helped me with who I am now.

But it hurts.

どうぞ

こんにちわ！
はじめまして
わたしは、ダニセです。
よろしくおねがいします。

I wasn't ready

Today, I got into sleep paralysis during my siesta.
I already knew that it was about to happen,
so I let it happen.
When the girl showed herself,
I wasn't scared.
I thought to myself that I'm ready
ready to give up.
So as I lay there doing nothing

I could see the room.
my right eye was already shut,
and the left was about to
but when it was getting smaller and smaller
I suddenly started fighting it
suddenly, I got scared of what I got myself into
I thought to myself that I don't know the gravity of what I'm doing
So until I'm sure of what I want,
I decided to fight it
it wasn't easy.
the girl was laughing at my effort
I could see her through my right eye
I kept fighting
it became harder and harder
at one point I was able to open both eyes
but I couldn't speak even though I tried with much effort
my right eye shut again
It was getting more difficult
I went all out and decided to focus on the girl and try to destroy her
fortunately or not, I woke up.

What is a person like me still doing in this world?

She was willing to pay for his trip but not mine.

At this point, I really don't know what to do.
It's not that I have to do something,
it's just that I feel like I don't belong
Like, my very existence is wrong
It's either I conform to the system
or leave

Devil, show yourself.
Because this time, I'm ready to go with you.
I've got no one to go back to.
Although I have friends,
I don't want to burden them
I hope they forgive me if ever I make the decision.

I'm at this point where if ever I do get sleep paralysis,
I don't want to wake up.
I won't even fight
It's going to be hard,
but this time, I'm just gonna let it go.
and hope I don't wake up.

If that's the case, I should start writing letters just to show them that when I'm gone,
it wasn't because of one incident.
It was a small thing that compiled through time again and again,
to the point where it was stupid
it would be stupid of me to just let it pass.

Right now I'm scared.
Death is now an option for me
but I don't know if I'll be able to push through with it if the opportunity comes by.
or better yet,
I'm scared that I might push through with it if the opportunity comes by.

I don't belong to this world.

40 days

The 40th day since our lola's passing.
We should be having a mass and inviting relatives over.
I wouldn't be surprised if tita or karlo won't show up.
It's horrible how they act as if they're concerned but then they actually aren't.
or at least not enough.
I mean out of all the people, Karlo should have been the one who is affected by it the most since he is the one who practically lives there with her.

But no.
She was just an old woman to him.
You might say that I'm assuming things and that I'm just letting my hatred towards him cloud my thoughts.
But no.
Actions speak louder than words.
He knew that lola didn't have much to eat a week before she started losing strength
Because he was the one in charge of giving money to ate linda to buy lola's food.
He knew about the adaptor of the aircon
Lola was having a hard time during the hot afternoons and the stuffy nights.
But all they were thinking about was the electricity bill.
And then suddenly lola gets aircon 24/7 when she couldn't talk anymore?

They are full of crap
Tita would say that "if it's your time, it's your time"
You wanna know why I hate that line?
It's because it isn't the first time I heard it from her
I heard it back in 2011, when she first got hospitalized.
And then after that, and then another.
It was as if she just wanted her gone.
She wanted to just pacify the pain by giving her painkillers so she would shut up.
Karlo would say "Just rest na lola"
I hate it for the same reason
It wasn't the first time I heard it from him
Like mother like son I guess

Ate lea told camile that we should be together closer than ever now, as cousins, now that lola is gone.
But I refuse.
I can be civil with karlo
But I will never reach out to him
ever
the very reason why I started hating on him is because he wasn't feeding lola with proper food
The nerve of the asshole to feed lola fast food
an old lady with fast food
when she fed him with so much more
The money isn't even his in the first place
it's lolas
so why the fuck is he skimping on her?
Dumb shit
I can't deal with people like that
How could he treat the person who basically kept him alive, like that?
Without her, he would be on the streets
He's a nobody
Nothing wrong with being unemployed
but he's a fucking asshole
He made my lola suffer
And I couldn't do anything to save her from him

Giving up

This uncertainty.
I used to be accustomed to it.
I learned to.
But now it's making me want to give up.
Not that it scares me,
but I think it's because I don't have aspirations anymore.
Did I have one in the first place?
I dunno.

I don't know how to describe what I'm in right now,
but the closest word I can get is "Hopeless"
I don't see the new day as something to look forward to
It's just another day
At the end of each day,
I end up evaluating
I've done some things during the day
but they're nothing that makes me exceptionally happy
I don't think I've been genuinely happy recently
I feel like I've changed, as a person
I've become, sadder
Not that I cry every night,
but that I'm not enthusiastic anymore
I feel it

but I still find myself sharing funny shit on facebook
Some videos make me laugh
but not happy
I think there's a difference
When was I happy about something?
What am I looking forward to?

One thing I liked about uncertainty was that even though you can never really expect anything,
50% of the outcome can make you happy
It's either happy or sad
And at this point,
I don't think anything happy is coming my way
I might as well die or something

I thought I was prepared for this day

When you think you're okay but you know you're not.

----

Our lola just passed away last January 28, 2017 approx. 23:34. She was declared dead by the doctor by midnight.

I was there, along with my siblings and my nephew, who witnessed her last breath.

We were called in by Tita and she said that we should be by her side because her breathing started to slow down. It was getting weaker with every breath. Quinito and I were on opposite sides, while dan and danielle were by her feet. I'd constantly look at my watch to take note of the time of death.

When she finally passed, I couldn't take it.
She was gone.
Nothing of her conscious self was left. Only the physical body she left behind.

The Doctor came in at around midnight. After making sure that she didn't have a pulse anymore, and checking her pupils if they can still dilate, She declared her dead right then and there.

Now we had to bring her to the morgue.
Mommy and Karlo were fixing Lola's dentures.
When the paramedics were wrapping up Lola in the body bag, I lost it.
I wouldn't let them do such a thing to Lola if she were alive.
But I knew she was dead.
My mind and heart were fighting each other.
My mind knew but my heart wouldn't accept.
The cognitive dissonance is real.

Tita and the others went straight to the morgue. I had to bring mommy home because she said that she had to change her clothes. When we got home, I got some clothes for Dan and I saw mommy just sitting by the bed. I told her that we had to go. And then she uttered, "I can smell flowers". I said, "What?" even though I heard her clearly the first time. And then she repeated it. I told her there are no flowers here and that we had to go if we wanted to catch up to them.

When we got to the morgue, they were at the office. Tita was fixing the papers and they already picked out an urn for lola.
It was a purple urn with silver butterflies. It didn't strike my fancy, but it definitely represented lola. It was as if it was made just for her.
There was no way we would let her use the package urn that looks like a trash bin.
What I don't like about this, is that they were willing to spend 30,000 on an urn.
That much money to hold ashes.
And they hesitated to bring lola to the hospital because of funds.
And pulled the "If it's your time then it's your time" card to hide that fact.

This is something I'll never be able to forgive myself.
The fact that my family, decided to "save money"
instead of alleviating your pain.
I knew it was your time
I just wanted it to be as comfortable as possible
Not drowning

When the papers were settled, we went to the morgue to say goodbye to lola, as she would have to sleep there alone all by herself.
Her body was still a bit warm, it hasn't stiffened up.
She was covered in her Rose petaled bed sheet.
We said our goodbyes, and they wrapped her up again in the body bag.
The cognitive dissonance is strong

When we got home, I sat on my bed and took off my shoes.
When I saw my toes, I suddenly remembered what her toes looked like.
They were curled, stiff, and started to discolor.
I could wiggle mine.
And then I started to cry.
I thought to myself, "What am I doing worth living in my life?"
I thought, maybe I should've just given up my life just to alleviate her suffering during her passing.
I wouldn't mind that sacrifice
It's the least I can do given what she's done to me and my family

While others had their parents, I had lola.
My parents helped me survive in this physical world with food, shelter, education, etc.
But my lola taught me how to live.
How to appreciate the arts
How to be kind to strangers
How to aspire for better things
She was royalty in my eyes
And I'm ashamed that I wasn't able to give her the best treatment during her passing.

I wasn't strong enough
rich enough
established enough
by the time you passed
and I'm sorry
There's nothing I can do to change that
I hope you forgive me
Knowing you, I know you'd forgive me
But this time, there's no way for me to verify if this is true