Giving up

This uncertainty.
I used to be accustomed to it.
I learned to.
But now it's making me want to give up.
Not that it scares me,
but I think it's because I don't have aspirations anymore.
Did I have one in the first place?
I dunno.

I don't know how to describe what I'm in right now,
but the closest word I can get is "Hopeless"
I don't see the new day as something to look forward to
It's just another day
At the end of each day,
I end up evaluating
I've done some things during the day
but they're nothing that makes me exceptionally happy
I don't think I've been genuinely happy recently
I feel like I've changed, as a person
I've become, sadder
Not that I cry every night,
but that I'm not enthusiastic anymore
I feel it

but I still find myself sharing funny shit on facebook
Some videos make me laugh
but not happy
I think there's a difference
When was I happy about something?
What am I looking forward to?

One thing I liked about uncertainty was that even though you can never really expect anything,
50% of the outcome can make you happy
It's either happy or sad
And at this point,
I don't think anything happy is coming my way
I might as well die or something

I thought I was prepared for this day

When you think you're okay but you know you're not.

----

Our lola just passed away last January 28, 2017 approx. 23:34. She was declared dead by the doctor by midnight.

I was there, along with my siblings and my nephew, who witnessed her last breath.

We were called in by Tita and she said that we should be by her side because her breathing started to slow down. It was getting weaker with every breath. Quinito and I were on opposite sides, while dan and danielle were by her feet. I'd constantly look at my watch to take note of the time of death.

When she finally passed, I couldn't take it.
She was gone.
Nothing of her conscious self was left. Only the physical body she left behind.

The Doctor came in at around midnight. After making sure that she didn't have a pulse anymore, and checking her pupils if they can still dilate, She declared her dead right then and there.

Now we had to bring her to the morgue.
Mommy and Karlo were fixing Lola's dentures.
When the paramedics were wrapping up Lola in the body bag, I lost it.
I wouldn't let them do such a thing to Lola if she were alive.
But I knew she was dead.
My mind and heart were fighting each other.
My mind knew but my heart wouldn't accept.
The cognitive dissonance is real.

Tita and the others went straight to the morgue. I had to bring mommy home because she said that she had to change her clothes. When we got home, I got some clothes for Dan and I saw mommy just sitting by the bed. I told her that we had to go. And then she uttered, "I can smell flowers". I said, "What?" even though I heard her clearly the first time. And then she repeated it. I told her there are no flowers here and that we had to go if we wanted to catch up to them.

When we got to the morgue, they were at the office. Tita was fixing the papers and they already picked out an urn for lola.
It was a purple urn with silver butterflies. It didn't strike my fancy, but it definitely represented lola. It was as if it was made just for her.
There was no way we would let her use the package urn that looks like a trash bin.
What I don't like about this, is that they were willing to spend 30,000 on an urn.
That much money to hold ashes.
And they hesitated to bring lola to the hospital because of funds.
And pulled the "If it's your time then it's your time" card to hide that fact.

This is something I'll never be able to forgive myself.
The fact that my family, decided to "save money"
instead of alleviating your pain.
I knew it was your time
I just wanted it to be as comfortable as possible
Not drowning

When the papers were settled, we went to the morgue to say goodbye to lola, as she would have to sleep there alone all by herself.
Her body was still a bit warm, it hasn't stiffened up.
She was covered in her Rose petaled bed sheet.
We said our goodbyes, and they wrapped her up again in the body bag.
The cognitive dissonance is strong

When we got home, I sat on my bed and took off my shoes.
When I saw my toes, I suddenly remembered what her toes looked like.
They were curled, stiff, and started to discolor.
I could wiggle mine.
And then I started to cry.
I thought to myself, "What am I doing worth living in my life?"
I thought, maybe I should've just given up my life just to alleviate her suffering during her passing.
I wouldn't mind that sacrifice
It's the least I can do given what she's done to me and my family

While others had their parents, I had lola.
My parents helped me survive in this physical world with food, shelter, education, etc.
But my lola taught me how to live.
How to appreciate the arts
How to be kind to strangers
How to aspire for better things
She was royalty in my eyes
And I'm ashamed that I wasn't able to give her the best treatment during her passing.

I wasn't strong enough
rich enough
established enough
by the time you passed
and I'm sorry
There's nothing I can do to change that
I hope you forgive me
Knowing you, I know you'd forgive me
But this time, there's no way for me to verify if this is true

poorita pita lita zita rica

What in the world am I gonna do with my life?

As much as I want to start a business, I don't have capital and support from my parents. Which is quite understandable because I don't have a clue on how to start/run one, but I have Pao to help me! I just need the support.

I actually don't know what kind of business I'd like to start. Of course I'd like the have one that's close to my heart, which would be outdoor equipment. Food also comes into mind, but not the big scale kind, just the small events kind of business.

I guess the real reason why I can't get an office job is because I'm not meant for one. But God, I need their money. I need the office money. Where the hell do I start.

*This is the part of the story where the character is given an option that will lead them to the dark side because they can't handle the shit they're in right now. If that option is viable to me right now, I just might take it. 


Am I so bad, that even the devil won't strike a deal with me? Oh good lord, please work your magic with me.

Balingkilat + Nagsasa

Just got down from our Balingkilat + Nagsasa cove trip. It was hella hot there at Zambales. Now I know why Aetas are so dark. It's because they live a planet nearer to the freakin' sun.


So I learned that Mt. Balingkilat is the highest mountain in the Zambales region. (I'd argue Tapulao, but I'd have to do my research for that). They say that Balingkilat is also known as "Thunder mountain". And true enough, we were able to see some lightning (but it was at the other peak).

We started our trek at around 2:30am. It was still very dark. The path we took was narrow, and it was filled with tall grass. There were times when I feel like I'm about to step off a cliff because the tall grass would block my sight (and it doesn't help that my headlamp would kinda blind me a bit. It started off as an easy trek, but after an hour or so, we started feeling the assault. There were several people in our group who didn't have headlamps, so it was quite difficult for them. they can't stray away from people because they don't have a source of light.

The peak over there covered with clouds was where we saw the lightning

Although it was still dark and the sun hasn't shown yet, it was hot. There wasn't a breeze to help keep us cool during the trek. I ended up drinking more than what I allotted for the trip up to the summit ( I brought 3L of Gatorade and 1L of water).

At around 6am, the sun started to peek from the clouds. We were able to see how far we've hiked for the past hours. We also saw some clouds forming a little bit of lightning from the next door mountain. It was visible that Darren was having a little difficulty. It's because of his bad back and his knees. At this point, we were 3/4th our way up towards the summit. So close but yet so far.

daybreak 

It was a relief reaching the campsite and seeing our other companions resting. I was also getting a bit hungry so I ate my Crispy Chicken Sandwich from Mcdo for breakfast. We had an hour of rest to do whatever we want. Some did photo ops, while the others repacked their bags. The rest, decided to take a breather and just lay down for a nap. It was windy up at the campsite, so it wasn't too bad. Some people were gonna go up to the summit. It would be another 10 min trek but at least this time we wouldn't have to bring our bags.

No fail

By the time we reached the summit, the view was just amazing. You can see mountains from bataan, the mount pinatubo, and further you can see tapulao, cinco picos, and the likes. One the other side, you could see the coves such as Anawangin, Nagsasa, etc. We were headed towards Nagsasa cove. After taking some photos, we decided to go back to the campsite.

*Slips*

At the Campsite, people were already packing their bags, getting ready for the descent. I put on some sunblock first because I could already feel the scorching heat seeping through my skin. I don't mind getting dark, I just don't want to get sunburned.

Gido resting his knees

Joy and Ghen taking a break

Our descent started off easy. It also helped that we could see Nagsasa cove from afar. That way, it was easier to see how close we were getting towards our goal. However, there were a lot of steep rocky descents that made it really difficult for us. It didn't help that it was around 10 am already, so the sun was already up.

I ended up being in the last group. The last group was composed of me, Daren, Justin, Joy, and Gido (plus kuya guide). We had frequent stops because of the heat, and because we just wanted to rest haha. I'm amazed that kuya guide was able to keep his cool with our group because we were so slow and we kept taking breaks.

Although we could see Nagsasa cove during our descent, it seemed like it wasn't getting nearer by the hour. This was really irritating. We were also running low on water supply, I was already close to finishing my second bottle of Gatorade. I don't want to touch the 1L of water because there is no assurance that there would be water when we reach Nagsasa cove.

*insert random pic*

Our first goal was to reach the first and only water source. We were told by our guide that it would be at the foot of the mountain, once we end our descent and enter the plains. But GOD it was so far away. Once we reached the tree that was said to be the water source, we were expecting a tap of some sort nearby. But apparently we still had to trek 5 mins down to the river to get to the water source. We left our bags by the tree, Joy and Daren stayed behind to watch our stuff, the rest went down to get water. It was a short trek, and we were able to get some shade on our way there. I even poured some water on my head just to cool off. However, kuya guide told us that what I did can cause my eyes to blur or "pasma".

When we got back to Daren and Joy, we rested for a bit, and then shortly after we decided to continue our trek. At this point, it was around 12-1 pm, and the heat was unforgiving. I recall walking ahead with Joy, and all I could think off was how stupid I was to agree to this hike and how was it possible to live in the Philippines for so long with this kind of heat. I was on the verge of crying out of frustration already. When we finally reached shade, I vented out to Joy how frustrated I was back then. She had the same sentiments. We waited for the others, Justin and Daren were famished by the heat, but Jen and Gido seemed to have a good time chatting. After chatting, we decided to continue. Before we could leave though, we heard someone down from the river. It was someone from our group. I guess we weren't far off I guess. But I assume the two waited for us because they didn't have a guide to tell them where to go.

When we continued, we were already by the plain. there were only a handful of assaults/descents left for us to pass through. We caught up with Errol along the way. He took a break. at this point, it was already 2-3 pm. Our ETA to Nagsasa cove was 2pm. I'm not surprised we were delayed because our group was really slow. It came to the point that some of us wanted to wait 'til 4pm to continue the trek just so the sun wouldn't be so unforgiving. But then Joy pointed out that maybe the reason why the guide wants us to arrive on time/early is because they're also rushing for the last boat ride back to the city. With this in mind, we decided to continue with the trek so that kuya guide can go home on time.

The trail was filled with tall grass mostly, and sometimes burnt from the "kaining". You couldn't see the beach anymore because you were already at the same level with it. We took a break when we reached the river. It wasn't a river filled with water, but it was filled with rocks. I assume that it used to be a river because all the rocks there were smooth. This was our last break, because the guide told us that we're just 30 mins or less away from the beach. I took this opportunity to take a nap.

View of where we came from 

During our last stretch, I was lagging behind (from the last group!). I didn't care anymore. I just wanted it to end. When I saw nipa huts, I knew that we were close by. When I reached the huts, I saw the guys resting and Daren lying down on the long chair. I was relieved that I could finally rest my legs and my back.

The next thing I wanted to do was to swim but before that, we cooked some food for a quick bite (NOTE that we didn't eat lunch yet!). After eating, we pitched the tent so that we could put our stuff in already. I also took this opportunity to change to swim clothes so that we could swim already.

It was getting dark when Joy, Justin, and I decided to take a dip. It wasn't a problem. I decided to leave my malong and my headlamp lit on the shore so that we have an idea of where we are when it gets too dark. (I was a bit hesitant about this, since it would risk losing my headlamp in case someone decides to just pick it up, but I did it anyways for safety).

I loved the waves that were coming at us. They weren't that big, but they were beautiful. Make me want to surf. As we were straying away from the shore, they took this opportunity to talk about the event. Joy shared her dismay about the event, citing that the organizers didn't seem to care about their participants, and the event itself wasn't event-like. According to her, it felt like KKB, and the only thing we shared was the transpo going here. Justin agreed with everything she said. I didn't say much because I didn't know what to expect in the first place. I haven't been to a lot of events, in fact, Balingkilat is only my 6th mountain to hike.

One of the things I agreed though, was that it felt like they didn't care prioritize the safety of their participants. There came a point during the hike that we were so far off, that we couldn't see the other groups anymore. During these instances, we would shout (as a signal) and wait for a response so that we know where they are at the moment, and that they'd know where we were at the same moment. But when we kept shouting, there was no response. The only one responsible that was with us was kuya guide.

At this point (during the hike), I thought to myself that what if someone got seriously injured and the guide wasn't with us? Or what if we got separated from the group and took a wrong turn? Who then would find us? I was disappointed about this incident, and it made me recall what Enzo taught me. There should always be someone (from the organizers) in the lead, mid, and tail group. That way, untoward events can be prevented. Anyway, past is past, we're just thankful everyone arrived safely.

Our table was so messy

Nothing like ice cream after a long hike

Red Horse (Albino)

If you guys happen to pass by Nagsasa, don't forget to say hi to Red Horse! There are a lot of dogs in Nagsasa, but this one caught my attention because initially I thought he was blind. But then I was told by the locals that he only has difficulty seeing during the daytime. Oh, and he's called Red Horse because of the "red" on his forehead (not seen in pic).

Shingeki no Kyojin (Attack on Titans)

I actually watched the live-action film before the anime (or manga) so now I understand why people dissed on the film. I can't believe the film changed Mikasa.

but anyway,

I can't even. This series is just wow. I think the last time I was like this was with full metal panic!, but no, this is different. It's like the adventure I want to be in. I don't remember the last time I wanted to immerse myself inside a story. That was something I would do back when I was in grade school. I wanted to forget that past, of me trying to live inside another story.

But there's something about this story that got me drawn in.

- Is it because of my current state?
- Is it because I'm unstable, unsure of this life I'm living here?
- Am I trying to find another way out?
- Or maybe it's because I'm fascinated by the 3 dimensional gear that they're using to fly? (You gotta     admit, they're pretty cool).

Well whatever the case, I'm at chapter 88 right now (the latest as of the moment) and I'm kinda just pacing myself out because I don't know when the next chapter will be released.

Just finished reading the last chapter. can't believe I'm gonna have to wait 'til the next one comes up.

Time check in

(7/8/16)
I'm 23 years old, what have I achieved in life?

I've probably achieved a thing or two, but this life I'm living right now isn't what I thought it would be. Would my 13 year old self be proud of me with where I am in life right now? I think I recall that when I was 20, I wrote a timeline on what I would expect in the next 10 years. I think by 23, I should have established a business, even just a small one.

Where am I now?

I'm a trapeze instructor, still working on my billion dollar idea, and my bank account is still struggling. I have however, traveled around the Philippines. the geotags on my instagram photos are slowly spreading out.

A friend of mine died though.

His name was Lorenzo Pena. He was my hiking mentor. I recall one of my earliest memories of him back in 6th grade, when he got into a fight with his seatmate by stabbing him with a pen. They both got a scolding from the head teacher. I recall passing by him and told him that everything would be alright. Ever since, we've been friends. He listened to metal, did rock climbing, and was a thespian. I hated him from bringing me to Kibungan cross country. But am flattered that he thought I could do it. He loved life, lived it to the fullest, with no regrets. I'm happy for him.

Am I happy where I am right now?

Yes, No, Maybe? It's complicated. There are times I tell myself that I'm still young, and some times when I tell myself I'm getting old. I don't know. I feel like those who pass are lucky they don't have to deal with this anymore. Not that I don't like it, its just, I dunno. I'm not suicidal though, I just.. don't know where I am right now.

I don't know,

I'm lost.

Reflecting decisions

One day, I had to go to school to fix some papers regarding my graduation. I was stopped at south gate because there was this new ID lace policy, so I had to buy an ID lace from national. After finishing my papers, on my way home I saw jayjay by the mcdo sign. He usually asks for some money for food or ice cream, but this time he asked if I could help him buy school supplies. I told him "tara!" as I crossed taft to get to national bookstore. He brought out a list of stuff that he needed, so after getting everything on the list, I added a backpack to it.

He kept thanking me in the store, and even after leaving. When we parted ways, a sales lady who was fixing inventories outside the store noticed that we (jayjay and I) weren't going the same direction. She asked me, "binili nyo po para sa kanya?"
and I responded "ay opo. para po sa skwela nya. babalik skwela na po sya bukas eh"
"ang bait nyo naman po.. thank you" she said with a smile on her face.
( I don't know why she said thank you though)

When I got on the jeep, I felt happy with what I did. But as time passed, I felt uneasy or disturbed(?) with what I did. Because of what I did, my pockets are tight now and my parents won't give me allowance anymore since I'm not studying anymore. My first paycheck will come at the end of the month. I probably felt that way because a part of me wants to become filthy rich and that act I did was not a way to do so. But then there's a part of me that doesn't care about money and just wants to spend it on other people.

Internally, I was torn. I didn't know if what I did was right anymore. I mean, It was in a way, but it wasn't in another way.. (ya feel me?)

anyways, I decided  to post a photo and a description of what I did on instagram and facebook, and a lot of people reacted to it. most of the comments consists of "heartwarming" "good job" "kind" and other nice things (The funniest one I got was, "may your tribe increase").

It was nice to see those comments, which reassured me that what I did was the right thing. Also, I felt good that I decided to share this story to other people because I think in a way, it inspired them to do the same.

One of the comments that struck me was "this is so you, elisha!"

was it, really? Is that what people think of me? A good person willing to help those in need? I'm happy but then disturbed by this. Why do I feel this way? Maybe its because I feel like this is who I am. This is what people think of me. This is what I'm meant to do in this world. To help others.

If that's the case, then I should be thankful that I already found my purpose in life. But why do I feel this way? Am I not satisfied with this purpose? Am I ashamed of this purpose? I don't know. It's not that I'm ashamed, its that I feel like this kind of trait is associated with the weak. I don't want to be weak.

Or more like, Why am I trying to be strong for others when I'm also the weak one here? Ah, now I know why I'm torn. It's because of this idea. People think of me as a strong person. And because of that, I'm never given the opportunity to show weakness to them (or at least I choose not to because of this expectation).

What am I suppose to do? Who do I turn to? I want people to see me as human. I'm such a hypocrite. I aim to be God-like yet I want people to treat me as a human (please don't take this phrase literally, you know what I mean). I want to be strong for the weak, to show them that they're not weak, just tired. But I also want people to know that I'm not invincible and that I'm just like them. Now, I sound like someone who has a God-complex. It's not that. What I want to point out is that everyone has the capabilities to be strong for others, to be God-like. And I'd like to believe that I can be an example of that.