I thought I was prepared for this day

When you think you're okay but you know you're not.

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Our lola just passed away last January 28, 2017 approx. 23:34. She was declared dead by the doctor by midnight.

I was there, along with my siblings and my nephew, who witnessed her last breath.

We were called in by Tita and she said that we should be by her side because her breathing started to slow down. It was getting weaker with every breath. Quinito and I were on opposite sides, while dan and danielle were by her feet. I'd constantly look at my watch to take note of the time of death.

When she finally passed, I couldn't take it.
She was gone.
Nothing of her conscious self was left. Only the physical body she left behind.

The Doctor came in at around midnight. After making sure that she didn't have a pulse anymore, and checking her pupils if they can still dilate, She declared her dead right then and there.

Now we had to bring her to the morgue.
Mommy and Karlo were fixing Lola's dentures.
When the paramedics were wrapping up Lola in the body bag, I lost it.
I wouldn't let them do such a thing to Lola if she were alive.
But I knew she was dead.
My mind and heart were fighting each other.
My mind knew but my heart wouldn't accept.
The cognitive dissonance is real.

Tita and the others went straight to the morgue. I had to bring mommy home because she said that she had to change her clothes. When we got home, I got some clothes for Dan and I saw mommy just sitting by the bed. I told her that we had to go. And then she uttered, "I can smell flowers". I said, "What?" even though I heard her clearly the first time. And then she repeated it. I told her there are no flowers here and that we had to go if we wanted to catch up to them.

When we got to the morgue, they were at the office. Tita was fixing the papers and they already picked out an urn for lola.
It was a purple urn with silver butterflies. It didn't strike my fancy, but it definitely represented lola. It was as if it was made just for her.
There was no way we would let her use the package urn that looks like a trash bin.
What I don't like about this, is that they were willing to spend 30,000 on an urn.
That much money to hold ashes.
And they hesitated to bring lola to the hospital because of funds.
And pulled the "If it's your time then it's your time" card to hide that fact.

This is something I'll never be able to forgive myself.
The fact that my family, decided to "save money"
instead of alleviating your pain.
I knew it was your time
I just wanted it to be as comfortable as possible
Not drowning

When the papers were settled, we went to the morgue to say goodbye to lola, as she would have to sleep there alone all by herself.
Her body was still a bit warm, it hasn't stiffened up.
She was covered in her Rose petaled bed sheet.
We said our goodbyes, and they wrapped her up again in the body bag.
The cognitive dissonance is strong

When we got home, I sat on my bed and took off my shoes.
When I saw my toes, I suddenly remembered what her toes looked like.
They were curled, stiff, and started to discolor.
I could wiggle mine.
And then I started to cry.
I thought to myself, "What am I doing worth living in my life?"
I thought, maybe I should've just given up my life just to alleviate her suffering during her passing.
I wouldn't mind that sacrifice
It's the least I can do given what she's done to me and my family

While others had their parents, I had lola.
My parents helped me survive in this physical world with food, shelter, education, etc.
But my lola taught me how to live.
How to appreciate the arts
How to be kind to strangers
How to aspire for better things
She was royalty in my eyes
And I'm ashamed that I wasn't able to give her the best treatment during her passing.

I wasn't strong enough
rich enough
established enough
by the time you passed
and I'm sorry
There's nothing I can do to change that
I hope you forgive me
Knowing you, I know you'd forgive me
But this time, there's no way for me to verify if this is true