Reflecting decisions

One day, I had to go to school to fix some papers regarding my graduation. I was stopped at south gate because there was this new ID lace policy, so I had to buy an ID lace from national. After finishing my papers, on my way home I saw jayjay by the mcdo sign. He usually asks for some money for food or ice cream, but this time he asked if I could help him buy school supplies. I told him "tara!" as I crossed taft to get to national bookstore. He brought out a list of stuff that he needed, so after getting everything on the list, I added a backpack to it.

He kept thanking me in the store, and even after leaving. When we parted ways, a sales lady who was fixing inventories outside the store noticed that we (jayjay and I) weren't going the same direction. She asked me, "binili nyo po para sa kanya?"
and I responded "ay opo. para po sa skwela nya. babalik skwela na po sya bukas eh"
"ang bait nyo naman po.. thank you" she said with a smile on her face.
( I don't know why she said thank you though)

When I got on the jeep, I felt happy with what I did. But as time passed, I felt uneasy or disturbed(?) with what I did. Because of what I did, my pockets are tight now and my parents won't give me allowance anymore since I'm not studying anymore. My first paycheck will come at the end of the month. I probably felt that way because a part of me wants to become filthy rich and that act I did was not a way to do so. But then there's a part of me that doesn't care about money and just wants to spend it on other people.

Internally, I was torn. I didn't know if what I did was right anymore. I mean, It was in a way, but it wasn't in another way.. (ya feel me?)

anyways, I decided  to post a photo and a description of what I did on instagram and facebook, and a lot of people reacted to it. most of the comments consists of "heartwarming" "good job" "kind" and other nice things (The funniest one I got was, "may your tribe increase").

It was nice to see those comments, which reassured me that what I did was the right thing. Also, I felt good that I decided to share this story to other people because I think in a way, it inspired them to do the same.

One of the comments that struck me was "this is so you, elisha!"

was it, really? Is that what people think of me? A good person willing to help those in need? I'm happy but then disturbed by this. Why do I feel this way? Maybe its because I feel like this is who I am. This is what people think of me. This is what I'm meant to do in this world. To help others.

If that's the case, then I should be thankful that I already found my purpose in life. But why do I feel this way? Am I not satisfied with this purpose? Am I ashamed of this purpose? I don't know. It's not that I'm ashamed, its that I feel like this kind of trait is associated with the weak. I don't want to be weak.

Or more like, Why am I trying to be strong for others when I'm also the weak one here? Ah, now I know why I'm torn. It's because of this idea. People think of me as a strong person. And because of that, I'm never given the opportunity to show weakness to them (or at least I choose not to because of this expectation).

What am I suppose to do? Who do I turn to? I want people to see me as human. I'm such a hypocrite. I aim to be God-like yet I want people to treat me as a human (please don't take this phrase literally, you know what I mean). I want to be strong for the weak, to show them that they're not weak, just tired. But I also want people to know that I'm not invincible and that I'm just like them. Now, I sound like someone who has a God-complex. It's not that. What I want to point out is that everyone has the capabilities to be strong for others, to be God-like. And I'd like to believe that I can be an example of that.

small acts

On my way home from school, I saw someone drop a piece of paper (probably their EAF) while running. A street kid saw what happened and picked it up, and ran after the guy to return it. When the kid returned the piece of paper, the guy didn't even say thank you and went on his way. The kid just looked at him, and went back to what he was doing.

By the time the kid gave the paper to the guy, the guy wasn't running anymore. So there's no reason for the guy to not say thank you to the kid. I am deeply affected by this because what if the kid decides in the future to not return things that strangers drop? I mean, he can't even get a simple thank you then why should he even do it?

Maybe the scenario would have been a little different if the guy dropped his wallet instead of that piece of paper. Maybe he'd say thank you this time, or he'd say byebye to his wallet. I don't know.