Should I stay or should I go?

I'm stagnant. I am lost. Sometimes I just want to push people away because I can't get a grip of myself. How can I try to fix others when I'm broken myself? How can I give advice when I'm also in need of wisdom?

I'm about to leave trapeze. I'm just waiting for Will to come back so that I can tell him. I don't feel like I'm of use there. Not that I'm useless, but I feel like that "filler player" of the team. There's nothing special with me. With Chris coming back, it shouldn't be difficult to adjust to me leaving.

I wanted more money. I wanted time. Now I want to leave the city and just take a break. I want to know what it feels like to have the provincial life. I don't need to be rich, I just need enough to get me by. It would be great if I could have a place to stay for free and maybe I could exchange it with labor.

I'm 23. I'm not young, definitely not old, but I'm at that age where the decisions I make may crucially affect my future (not that I see myself going far though). I imagine myself dying from an accident, or from saving someone. I don't want to live long. I don't want to have a family. I don't want to have children. I don't want to be in a relationship. I can't even fix life, what more does adding people into the picture going to do?

Media makes it look so easy growing up.

time travel

November 7, 2014

My hands finally opened up yesterday. I kept swinging yesterday and it was also my first time getting a return bar. 

Its been a while since I posted because Trapeze and school work has been eating up most of my time. I hardly have time to condition myself at home or use my time to leisure on some projects, heck I don't even have time to go out with my friends (who aren't from the same school). It came to a point that one of my friends told me that I'm getting too busy and that I should spend time with my friends while I still can, because I won't be able to have such luxury when I start working already.


This made me think, am I getting myself so busy that I don't get to enjoy what's happening now? Well, I enjoy doing Trapeze, and I honestly want to do well in school especially in my thesis so, why am I doubting? I'm probably just scared that in the future, I'll regret what I haven't done in the past (like hanging out with my friends more often). 

Is it poor time management? or messed up priorities? I think that I shouldn't expect much from the future because we can never really tell what will happen, I mean, I didn't expect dragon boat or Trapeze to get into my life. But then again, I shouldn't be too lax that I just go with the flow, I should at least have some direction in life. And in that direction, I could be led to another road. But still, I'm scared.