Reflecting decisions

One day, I had to go to school to fix some papers regarding my graduation. I was stopped at south gate because there was this new ID lace policy, so I had to buy an ID lace from national. After finishing my papers, on my way home I saw jayjay by the mcdo sign. He usually asks for some money for food or ice cream, but this time he asked if I could help him buy school supplies. I told him "tara!" as I crossed taft to get to national bookstore. He brought out a list of stuff that he needed, so after getting everything on the list, I added a backpack to it.

He kept thanking me in the store, and even after leaving. When we parted ways, a sales lady who was fixing inventories outside the store noticed that we (jayjay and I) weren't going the same direction. She asked me, "binili nyo po para sa kanya?"
and I responded "ay opo. para po sa skwela nya. babalik skwela na po sya bukas eh"
"ang bait nyo naman po.. thank you" she said with a smile on her face.
( I don't know why she said thank you though)

When I got on the jeep, I felt happy with what I did. But as time passed, I felt uneasy or disturbed(?) with what I did. Because of what I did, my pockets are tight now and my parents won't give me allowance anymore since I'm not studying anymore. My first paycheck will come at the end of the month. I probably felt that way because a part of me wants to become filthy rich and that act I did was not a way to do so. But then there's a part of me that doesn't care about money and just wants to spend it on other people.

Internally, I was torn. I didn't know if what I did was right anymore. I mean, It was in a way, but it wasn't in another way.. (ya feel me?)

anyways, I decided  to post a photo and a description of what I did on instagram and facebook, and a lot of people reacted to it. most of the comments consists of "heartwarming" "good job" "kind" and other nice things (The funniest one I got was, "may your tribe increase").

It was nice to see those comments, which reassured me that what I did was the right thing. Also, I felt good that I decided to share this story to other people because I think in a way, it inspired them to do the same.

One of the comments that struck me was "this is so you, elisha!"

was it, really? Is that what people think of me? A good person willing to help those in need? I'm happy but then disturbed by this. Why do I feel this way? Maybe its because I feel like this is who I am. This is what people think of me. This is what I'm meant to do in this world. To help others.

If that's the case, then I should be thankful that I already found my purpose in life. But why do I feel this way? Am I not satisfied with this purpose? Am I ashamed of this purpose? I don't know. It's not that I'm ashamed, its that I feel like this kind of trait is associated with the weak. I don't want to be weak.

Or more like, Why am I trying to be strong for others when I'm also the weak one here? Ah, now I know why I'm torn. It's because of this idea. People think of me as a strong person. And because of that, I'm never given the opportunity to show weakness to them (or at least I choose not to because of this expectation).

What am I suppose to do? Who do I turn to? I want people to see me as human. I'm such a hypocrite. I aim to be God-like yet I want people to treat me as a human (please don't take this phrase literally, you know what I mean). I want to be strong for the weak, to show them that they're not weak, just tired. But I also want people to know that I'm not invincible and that I'm just like them. Now, I sound like someone who has a God-complex. It's not that. What I want to point out is that everyone has the capabilities to be strong for others, to be God-like. And I'd like to believe that I can be an example of that.

association dues

Does anyone want to be associated with someone who's bad? evil? mean?

Because this reflects why we would vote for people we know personally; we believe that they can't be bad because we're associated with them. At least that's how it is most of the time. Or maybe the reason why we would vote someone we know is because it would give us a boost in the social ladder.

Would that be selfish? Is it bad to think that way? Should we even care about good or bad and just focus on what is?

Should I stay or should I go?

I'm stagnant. I am lost. Sometimes I just want to push people away because I can't get a grip of myself. How can I try to fix others when I'm broken myself? How can I give advice when I'm also in need of wisdom?

I'm about to leave trapeze. I'm just waiting for Will to come back so that I can tell him. I don't feel like I'm of use there. Not that I'm useless, but I feel like that "filler player" of the team. There's nothing special with me. With Chris coming back, it shouldn't be difficult to adjust to me leaving.

I wanted more money. I wanted time. Now I want to leave the city and just take a break. I want to know what it feels like to have the provincial life. I don't need to be rich, I just need enough to get me by. It would be great if I could have a place to stay for free and maybe I could exchange it with labor.

I'm 23. I'm not young, definitely not old, but I'm at that age where the decisions I make may crucially affect my future (not that I see myself going far though). I imagine myself dying from an accident, or from saving someone. I don't want to live long. I don't want to have a family. I don't want to have children. I don't want to be in a relationship. I can't even fix life, what more does adding people into the picture going to do?

Media makes it look so easy growing up.

Future Anxiety with money and life

It's early morning. I'm here with my notebook, trying to come up with start up ideas that can make me rich. I want to be financially stable, to be able to do what I want without having to rely on my parents. Is that too much to ask? I hate it whenever I fight with my parents and it's always about money. They would call me a good-for-nothing freeloader in the house trying to escape my responsibilities. 

Now, this isn't a post about me defending myself (I'm tired of that) but rather, a post about me trying to make myself independent from them. The only way I can see that happening is to move out. But I can't move out without funds. My current job can't suffice enough funds so what I thought of at first was freelancing. I already thought of doing some freelance work while working at the trapeze, but getting a freelance job isn't as easy as I expected it to be.

My end goal is to have a business. But god, I also want to do a lot of things! like hiking, cycling, going around the country.. Jesus, I don't know what to do. Be happy now? or tomorrow? I really don't know. I feel like I just want to win the lottery or join a syndicate. 

Now, I sound like a materialistic basic bitch. Well yes, I do want the finer things in life for myself and my future children. But also, I want to be able to help others. I will not work for money, money will have to work for me. I want to help children go to school, old people in the home for the aged to live with dignity, come up with inventions that could help save the world, etc.

My mind is already set for good.

Why Satan wanted Adam and Eve to eat that apple

It's 2 am, and I can't sleep. Coffee is downstairs and I'm too scared to check up on him because he might be dead. I'll admit, the last time I saw him, he wasn't in good condition. We brought him to the vet, and they told us that if he can survive 24-48 hours, most likely he'll survive.

When Danielle and I brought down meds for Coffee, I was glad to see him wagging his tail, but his eyes were blood shot red and his poop was black. I'm no vet, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't a good indicator that he was getting any better.

I know he's not gonna make it.
It sucks that I know that.
It hurts, knowing that something will happen whether you like it or not.
And you can't do anything about it.

I wish that when I wake up tomorrow morning, I forget to check if he's still there.
Or when I go home, I don't want to remember that he's the first one to greet me after a long day.
I wish that I could forget that at one point in my life, he made me happy.

Knowing hurts.
It is both a gift and a burden to know.
Which makes me think that the less you know, the happier you'll be. Why so? because life is cruel, harsh, evil, and everything nice is just our way of compensating or keeping ourselves sane.

I could be a little more hopeful.
Maybe he'll make it.
But still, these early morning thoughts will continue to torment me in my sleep.


*For the record, I hate making bible references. This is an exemption because it was the first thing that came into my mind*

update

September 10, 2015

Chris isn't back yet. His hand is still healing. Choi left trapeze to go back to subic, and Domeng is the new addition to the Trapeze family. I'm already pulling lines for kids and open swingers, but no catch yet.

Will is making me do marketing stuff for our team building package and after school programs. Its cool that I have my own work e-mail: danise@trapeze.ph .  Makes me feel so LEGIT. haha. So far, only one company replied to my e-mail, but its a big company, so maybe it's not that bad.

PSYCHOmetrician Board Exam

So, I decided to take the board exam

I decided to pass my requirements on the very last day of submitting requirements.

First hurdle: I WASN'T ALLOWED ENTRY BECAUSE I WAS WEARING SHORTS
I begged the security guard if he could let me in but he was very strict. So, I went around the area and looked for any clothing shops that could be selling leggings or anything. I had to walk a few blocks (take note, I was in an unfamiliar place) just to find a thrift shop. I bought a pair of joggers for 50 pesos and headed back to the PRC office.

Second hurdle: I FORGOT TO GET MY NBI CLEARANCE
When I got to the office and lined up, I overheard some people talking about the requirements needed for the board exam. I was eavesdropping and as she was mentioning the requirements one by one, I heard "NBI Clearance" and my expression quickly turned bad. I called my friend to confirm if we really needed the NBI clearance and she said that we did. So, I called up my mom asking her how much an NBI clearance is and if there were any office nearby aside from the main office at UN. As I left the office, I asked around if there were any NBI offices nearby. One of them directed me to a mall that was a few blocks away. I quickly headed towards the place and got my NBI clearance. I'm lucky that all I had to do was have it renewed and that my name was unique (else, I could get my NBI clearance after a week).

Third hurdle: I LACKED 2 MORE DOCUMENTS
When I got back, I was pretty confident that I had all my documents already. Now all I had to do was wait in line for my turn. It took me 2 hours until I got to the processing window. When it was finally my turn, I showed my documents and the guy asked for my "Certificate of Good Moral". I told him that it was there, but then he told me that I needed 3 in total: one from school, one from church, and one from the barangay. I only brought the one from school because I thought that the other 2 were just options. Good enough for me, the guy was nice enough and told me that I could come back the next day with the complete set of documents, all I had to do was pay for the fee that day.

I hated that day. I was so tired, hungry, and I had to miss work because of that.

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I can't take any review classes because their schedules are always conflicting with my work; which results to me having to resort to self study. I don't mind doing self study, since I saved the PDFs, PPTs, from my previous subjects. However, its still going to be difficult since I don't really have a scope of what is going to come up in the exam. There are 5 major components: ABPSYCH, INDPSYC, ASSESSMENT, SIKOPIL, and THEOPER. The one I believe that I will have most difficulty with would be INDPSYC because the professor that I got didn't tackle theories of Industrial Psychology rather, she talked about the experiences she had in the workplace. I wouldn't say that I didn't learn from that class (in fact, I did learn a lot!), but I don't think that her lessons would help me during the exam. Also, I have a friend taking up the review class in school and she was generous enough to send me the PDFs that they're using in class.

COUNTDOWN: 12 DAYS UNTIL THE BOARD EXAM

I'm currently studying ABPSYCH and I've only tackled 3 topics. I'm taking longer than expected and my work is consuming most of my time. Maybe not work, but the commute going to and back is what takes up most of my time. I'm thinking of bringing my laptop everyday and just study at a coffee shop after trapeze so that I don't waste time waiting for the bus and use it instead for studying. It would be costly though, considering that I'm going to have to eat dinner out everyday and drink coffee too, but this too shall pass.