Future Anxiety with money and life

It's early morning. I'm here with my notebook, trying to come up with start up ideas that can make me rich. I want to be financially stable, to be able to do what I want without having to rely on my parents. Is that too much to ask? I hate it whenever I fight with my parents and it's always about money. They would call me a good-for-nothing freeloader in the house trying to escape my responsibilities. 

Now, this isn't a post about me defending myself (I'm tired of that) but rather, a post about me trying to make myself independent from them. The only way I can see that happening is to move out. But I can't move out without funds. My current job can't suffice enough funds so what I thought of at first was freelancing. I already thought of doing some freelance work while working at the trapeze, but getting a freelance job isn't as easy as I expected it to be.

My end goal is to have a business. But god, I also want to do a lot of things! like hiking, cycling, going around the country.. Jesus, I don't know what to do. Be happy now? or tomorrow? I really don't know. I feel like I just want to win the lottery or join a syndicate. 

Now, I sound like a materialistic basic bitch. Well yes, I do want the finer things in life for myself and my future children. But also, I want to be able to help others. I will not work for money, money will have to work for me. I want to help children go to school, old people in the home for the aged to live with dignity, come up with inventions that could help save the world, etc.

My mind is already set for good.

Why Satan wanted Adam and Eve to eat that apple

It's 2 am, and I can't sleep. Coffee is downstairs and I'm too scared to check up on him because he might be dead. I'll admit, the last time I saw him, he wasn't in good condition. We brought him to the vet, and they told us that if he can survive 24-48 hours, most likely he'll survive.

When Danielle and I brought down meds for Coffee, I was glad to see him wagging his tail, but his eyes were blood shot red and his poop was black. I'm no vet, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't a good indicator that he was getting any better.

I know he's not gonna make it.
It sucks that I know that.
It hurts, knowing that something will happen whether you like it or not.
And you can't do anything about it.

I wish that when I wake up tomorrow morning, I forget to check if he's still there.
Or when I go home, I don't want to remember that he's the first one to greet me after a long day.
I wish that I could forget that at one point in my life, he made me happy.

Knowing hurts.
It is both a gift and a burden to know.
Which makes me think that the less you know, the happier you'll be. Why so? because life is cruel, harsh, evil, and everything nice is just our way of compensating or keeping ourselves sane.

I could be a little more hopeful.
Maybe he'll make it.
But still, these early morning thoughts will continue to torment me in my sleep.


*For the record, I hate making bible references. This is an exemption because it was the first thing that came into my mind*

update

September 10, 2015

Chris isn't back yet. His hand is still healing. Choi left trapeze to go back to subic, and Domeng is the new addition to the Trapeze family. I'm already pulling lines for kids and open swingers, but no catch yet.

Will is making me do marketing stuff for our team building package and after school programs. Its cool that I have my own work e-mail: danise@trapeze.ph .  Makes me feel so LEGIT. haha. So far, only one company replied to my e-mail, but its a big company, so maybe it's not that bad.

PSYCHOmetrician Board Exam

So, I decided to take the board exam

I decided to pass my requirements on the very last day of submitting requirements.

First hurdle: I WASN'T ALLOWED ENTRY BECAUSE I WAS WEARING SHORTS
I begged the security guard if he could let me in but he was very strict. So, I went around the area and looked for any clothing shops that could be selling leggings or anything. I had to walk a few blocks (take note, I was in an unfamiliar place) just to find a thrift shop. I bought a pair of joggers for 50 pesos and headed back to the PRC office.

Second hurdle: I FORGOT TO GET MY NBI CLEARANCE
When I got to the office and lined up, I overheard some people talking about the requirements needed for the board exam. I was eavesdropping and as she was mentioning the requirements one by one, I heard "NBI Clearance" and my expression quickly turned bad. I called my friend to confirm if we really needed the NBI clearance and she said that we did. So, I called up my mom asking her how much an NBI clearance is and if there were any office nearby aside from the main office at UN. As I left the office, I asked around if there were any NBI offices nearby. One of them directed me to a mall that was a few blocks away. I quickly headed towards the place and got my NBI clearance. I'm lucky that all I had to do was have it renewed and that my name was unique (else, I could get my NBI clearance after a week).

Third hurdle: I LACKED 2 MORE DOCUMENTS
When I got back, I was pretty confident that I had all my documents already. Now all I had to do was wait in line for my turn. It took me 2 hours until I got to the processing window. When it was finally my turn, I showed my documents and the guy asked for my "Certificate of Good Moral". I told him that it was there, but then he told me that I needed 3 in total: one from school, one from church, and one from the barangay. I only brought the one from school because I thought that the other 2 were just options. Good enough for me, the guy was nice enough and told me that I could come back the next day with the complete set of documents, all I had to do was pay for the fee that day.

I hated that day. I was so tired, hungry, and I had to miss work because of that.

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I can't take any review classes because their schedules are always conflicting with my work; which results to me having to resort to self study. I don't mind doing self study, since I saved the PDFs, PPTs, from my previous subjects. However, its still going to be difficult since I don't really have a scope of what is going to come up in the exam. There are 5 major components: ABPSYCH, INDPSYC, ASSESSMENT, SIKOPIL, and THEOPER. The one I believe that I will have most difficulty with would be INDPSYC because the professor that I got didn't tackle theories of Industrial Psychology rather, she talked about the experiences she had in the workplace. I wouldn't say that I didn't learn from that class (in fact, I did learn a lot!), but I don't think that her lessons would help me during the exam. Also, I have a friend taking up the review class in school and she was generous enough to send me the PDFs that they're using in class.

COUNTDOWN: 12 DAYS UNTIL THE BOARD EXAM

I'm currently studying ABPSYCH and I've only tackled 3 topics. I'm taking longer than expected and my work is consuming most of my time. Maybe not work, but the commute going to and back is what takes up most of my time. I'm thinking of bringing my laptop everyday and just study at a coffee shop after trapeze so that I don't waste time waiting for the bus and use it instead for studying. It would be costly though, considering that I'm going to have to eat dinner out everyday and drink coffee too, but this too shall pass.

REAL WORLD

1 week has passed since I started working for FTP. I'm currently adjusting my body clock to the schedule, and my body for the physical aspect that the job entails. My parents still don't give me allowance or commute money for me to get there, so I used the money allotted for my class graduation picture. I have to get better at my swings and swivel hips so that I could be considered for shows in the future. It's kind of pressuring since I'm the only female instructor there.

Overnite

I finally get to work at overnite camp!
I'm actually more nervous than excited about working at overnite because its my first time. I have a lot of preparation to do though, like banners, cheers, training, etc. I'm definitely going to get darker so I gotta stock up on some sunblock.

This is also going to be the last time I'm going to be working for CSC before I go full-time at Trapeze.

That final paper

Had our thesis defense, and passed our final paper yesterday, 4/20.

The defense turn out ok, it wasn't chill because sir kept asking questions, but it wasn't that bad because we knew that all he wanted was to bring out the best in our paper. Unfortunately, we couldn't revise it anymore because of time constraint. We had to have our thesis book bind already and we have less that 2 hours 'til deadline. also, we had to burn some necessary files in a cd. 

I really wish that we had more time to edit our thesis. I really felt like our reader liked it and he really wanted us to refine it. Too bad we had a sucky mentor that didn't even help us in our paper. We did a lot of running for the printing of stuff And when we got our hardbound thesis, we felt really happy. It was our baby. We've gone through so much together as a group that seeing that this is the end just seems so surreal

Back during the first leg of our thesis

Cafe de seoul

And towards the end 

 Alan's condo. we didn't have money anymore

Noel's. After finishing the paper

Cafe Jen. Stayed up 'til 2am to finish the paper

I'll miss this, for sure.